December 16, 2011

Week 8

I was following the blog today of a women who is having her tenth, yes 10th child. She is 4 months along and already in maternity clothes and has gained 25 lbs. Holy crap! She looked adorable though! She lives on a sprawling ranch in Washington State and designs children's clothes from home.

How different her life is from mine, I thought. I don't think I can even imagine having 10 children- two would be the absolute TOPS for me. Yet, she looked beautiful and happy and content. But, there is one thing we have in common- this pregnancy for me, and all of her's have had their share of nausea! She is toting that she has only puked three times- well honey I got you beat at 5!

This week was a particularly difficult week for me-as I describe in my last post....

Pregnancy symptoms: As I said above, two-three days a week I am a wreak with nausea. I've found peppermint candies help and I munch on them all day at work. I left work Monday and came home and started getting sick....it seems that's happening about twice a week. It could be worse though, I know some women are sick every day of their first trimester. Other than that I am tired and my breasts are killing me- and that about sums it up.

How far along: 8 weeks 4 days

How big is baby? The size of a kidney bean

Weight gain/loss? -1 lb....I seemed to have let go of a lot of the bloat - yes! I'm sure being sick is partial to blame here too....

Stretch marks: hmmm...nope

Maternity clothes: No, although today was the first day I went into a store in the maternity section and looked at some stuff...up until now I haven't even let myself think about those things....

Sleep: Good.

Food cravings/aversions: I'm nauseated. Food makes me feel better....until its digested and then I'm nauseated again.

Gender: No idea- and I know pregnant women say this all the time. I don't care. I want healthy...and smart!!! And that is really all that matters to me! That's all that should matter really....

Movement: No, but I can't wait!

Belly button? Still there

What are you looking forward to this week: I am looking forward to reaching that 14 week mark and knowing I am into the second trimester. Then I will "allow" myself to be overjoyed and to start making plans....until then, I am afraid, I will be cautious and guarded.

This same women, the one with the ten babies, mentioned in her blog that she doesn't understand why people do not tell others about a pregnancy for fear of a miscarriage. A baby is a spirit form the moment of conception, she says, and she said she would hope that others would still like her, love her and support her if she lost the baby.

No disrespect to her or her views, but she has clearly never had a miscarriage- let alone multiple miscarriages. It is not that you don't believe people will be there for you if you lose the baby or that you don't think the baby is a beautiful miracle from the moment you know of its existence. For me it is seeing and hearing the sadness and grief in others' eyes and voices when you tell them. It is saving some from experiencing the horror of that loss and saving them from feeling so deeply for you and wanting to do anything to make it better....when nothing anyone does or says can make it any better.

And it is saving yourself from the constant questions and "advice" when the pregnancy is still fragile and it may be painful to even hope. And most importantly it is saving you from having to tell person after person that you've lost yet another baby...and hearing the "why?" question that is both devastating and infuriating! Because one thing I found out really quick after my last miscarriage...people are really quick to spread the news of your pregnancy to others but are very tight-lipped with the news that you've miscarried. And, in fact, this is perhaps the time when people should speak up, so that you don't have to....because every time you have to say it...your heart is ripped open again. And that is why we are not telling until we're ready. And I feel so strongly that this is the right choice this time. I feel it with everything in me. And that has nothing to do with the amount of love I have for my baby or anyone else in our lives.

December 11, 2001

Week 7

Pregnancy symptoms: I've had more energy this week than last week but some other not so awesome symptoms...even more breast changes (Damn! Pregnancy is defiantly not for the sissies!) and I've been experiencing some pretty regular bouts of round ligament pain, and it sucks let me tell you! Feels like I'm being stabbed with a knife! Awesome. Aside from that not much has changed this week.

How far along: 7 weeks 6 days

How big is baby? The size of a blueberry (for some reason that comparison makes me giggle)

Weight gain/loss? +1 lb....I think its mostly water though- the bloat is in full puffy effect!

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Maternity clothes: Nope

Sleep: Its been good actually.

Food cravings/aversions: I'm nauseated when I'm hungry, eating makes me feel better but then if I eat too much I feel totally uncomfortable- its lose lose these days with eating...hoping that goes away...I've been less hungry so I forget to eat and then I don't feel good at all : (

Gender: No idea

Movement: Way too early for that

Belly button? Still there

What are you looking forward to this week: This is the week when I lost our last baby- at 8 weeks 4 days. It was horrible and I think I'm going to be nervous and on edge particularly this week. I am terrified of losing another baby. So I guess what am I looking forward to this week? Making it to next week safely. My 2nd trimester is still 6 weeks away...that seems so far away....I can't wait to get there.

December 4th 2011

Week 6
: )

This week was our first prenatal appointment and ultrasound. Everything looked normal and we saw baby's heartbeat!

Pregnancy symptoms: Whoa boy! This baby is definitely making his or her presence known this week! And I have not been feeling well at all- nausea, vomiting, exhaustion, extremely sore breast, bloating and I'm hungry like all. the. time. But when I eat, I feel sick!
How far along: 6 weeks 6 days
How big is baby? The size of a lentil bean
Weight gain/loss? No loss, no gain- although with the way I've been eating this week...we'll see what next week brings...have a feeling a pound or two is in my near future (sigh)
Stretch marks: None yet
Maternity clothes: Not yet
Sleep: Pretty good, in fact I'd like to do it all the time lol!
Food cravings/aversions: Starbust candies. Other than that I'm not craving anything in particular I just want food...I feel better when I eat...dangerous I know.... Unless its seafood- super ick!
Gender: Don't know yet and honestly no predictions here!
Movement: Too early
Belly button? Still there, and surrounded by plenty of bloat! yay!
What are you looking forward to this week: I'm looking forward to some of these new symptoms lessening...maybe? please? and of course baby staying safe and sound for another week...and longer.

November 26th 2011

Week 5

This week I've hardly felt pregnant. Its odd- I go through the day and although I know that I am, sometimes I forget! I know some of that is my mind protecting itself since the miscarriages but I also don't feel pregnant yet. My symptoms aren't too bad and I can say I feel better in general this time then I did last time (perhaps due to the weight loss). I just keep thinking about how early it still is and how we are trying not to get our hopes up.

My cousin from New York called a few days ago, his wife is 6 weeks pregnant and is due July 11th. It was so hard for me not to yell "me too! me too!" and share with him that his little one may have a playmate and cousin born about a week or two after him/her. But, I didn't for a few reasons. One, I want he and his wife to have that special time of telling everyone and having everyone happy for them- I would never want to take that away from them. Two, we are firm in our decision this time not to tell anyone outside of our immediate family and two closest friends until the pregnancy reaches a safer point. And we feel so strongly that this is the right thing to do, that while it was hard on one hand it wasn't hard at all at the same time.

Pregnancy symptoms: Breast tenderness, less and less cramping, fatigue. My stomach is pretty touchy although my appetite has ramped up though, I swear my stomach is constantly growling!

How far along: 5 weeks 5 days

How big is baby? Still the size of a sesame seed

Weight gain/loss? No loss and no gain

Stretch marks: No

Maternity clothes: Nope

Sleep: Having some crazy-ass dreams! One involved my friend getting arrested, another involved my husband having an affair, plenty have been about having a miscarriage (these are so sad) and the most recent one I was a saloon girl in the wild west! The dreams are so vivid - must mean I'm getting more REM sleep, maybe?

Food cravings/aversions: Seafood still smells awful! Fred ordered clam chowder soup at a restaurant yesterday and it was ALL I could smell! ick! No particular aversions or cravings most of the time, I crave stuff I usually crave. I am hungry a bit more often and my stomach hardly ever growled before and now its constantly noisy lol!

Gender: No idea

Movement: Too early for that

Belly button? Still there

What are you looking forward to this week: Friday is my first prenatal appointment. Hopefully we'll get to see the heartbeat and I'll have a due date confirmed. Keeping our fingers crossed that all goes well. I'm excited and very nervous.

November 13, 2011

0 weeks 3 weeks 6 days

I'm so hesitant to even post photos or stats at this point...and obviously after the miscarriages I didn't even bother to take a "before" photo. As you can see there is not a lot of difference. I'm slightly bloated but not much has changed. I have, however, decided not to cover-up my bruises. This is my reality with the Lovenox shots. They hurt, they bruise and I've been dealing with them for 14 months now...

November 19, 2011

Week 4

Pregnancy symptoms: Breast tenderness- not nearly as painful as before, very mild cramping- also not nearly as painful as before, a touchy stomach, fatigue and breast "changes." I've been getting strange cramps in my feet every night before bed...hope those get lost! Ouch!

How far along: 4 weeks 5 days

How big is baby? The size of a sesame seed (is it sad I know this by heart by now...)

Weight gain/loss? I'm 15 lbs lighter than when I got pregnant last time (I've lost 20 all together since summer) but since the positive test I've stayed the same; no loss and no gain

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Maternity clothes: Nope

Sleep: Its been ok, I wake up once or twice a night to use the bathroom but aside from that it's been fine.

Food cravings/aversions: Seafood smells awful! And I did have one night where I couldn't keep much down...aside from that my appetite has been pretty normal. No particular aversions or cravings most of the time.

Gender: No idea...and we don't care either way to be honest - we really do just want a healthy baby that makes it to term!!!

Movement: Way too early for that

Belly button? Still there

What are you looking forward to this week: This is going to sound really sad but its also true. I'm looking forward to making it to the next week without losing our baby. I think this will be my hope each week for the next several months...

My first ultrasound is in two weeks. Fred and my mother can't come, so my friend is joining me. She's never seen an ultrasound before and I want someone close to me there. I am so terrified of something being wrong. It's feels so sad to have a pregnancy filled with denial and fear instead of hope and elation. This is the main reason we are telling practically no-one until the 14 week mark; if we can help it anyway. Part of us wants to act as if it isn't happening until its "safe" to be excited.

Only time will tell.

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure. But the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing" -Unknown

November 12, 2011

Third month a charm?

I guess for us IT IS!!!!!

Having some mild symptoms this week...took a test last night and had a faint POSITIVE : )

I am only 3 weeks 5 days pregnant- so I am beyond early...but it looks like we're heading down the road for the third time...I had just come back from dinner with my friend Courtney and knew I had a test in the bottom drawer of the bathroom cabinet. I know it will be negative, I thought, it's way too early to test....but what the hell? Well, I guess I was wrong! I texted hubby and the next morning we confirmed with a second test!

I feel so different this time. I got butterflies in my stomach last night and they instantly turned to fear. I am SO nervous that I don't even want to think about the fact that I am pregnant. I want to ignore it until I know for sure my heart won't get broken open again. Yet, I haven't stopped smiling at the same time...

Tomorrow I'll start the progesterone supplements (not looking forward to that) and Monday I will call my doctor.

Here we go again...hope and faith don't fail us now...a heart can only take so much...

"Most of the important things in this world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying even when there seemed to be no hope at all."

-Dale Carnegie

October 18, 2011

Nada this month too. Disappointed and tired.

My head knows two months is nothing....my heart aches for the next positive pregnancy test.

And again, on to next month...

September 12, 2011

I could have swore I was pregnant. Having some symptoms but not sure if it is simply my body returning back to a normal cycle.

Either way...I kinda feel like I did when I was pregnant...

Hmmm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
September 19th, 2011

Not pregnant. Official sign came early this morning....and on to next month.

August 25th 2011

I feel lucky to have such an amazing doctor. This man truly is one of the most incredible people I have ever met. He has this ability to make me, ME of all people, feel like everything is going to be ok.

After our second pre-pregnancy consult I left feeling hopeful, and at the very least content, about the future. We went for this second consultation to get the docs perspectives on our two miscarriages and also to get his advice on where we should go from here.

In a nutshell he stated that the first loss doesn't concern him much. It is sad and a loss but very, very common and a typical blighted ovum. The doctor stated that most women experience this type of loss at least once in their lifetimes and never even know that they were pregnant.

The second loss, however, concerned the doctor a bit more. We saw a strong heartbeat and all lab tests (as well as my protein s activitiy level) indicated this was a very strong and sustainable pregnancy. So, my doctor was as stunned as we were when things went wrong. However, after having read a great deal about lutenal phase defect I asked him what he thought about this. And, he smiled and said he agrees that this is very likely the cause of my issues. Another reason I love this doctor, we are on the exact same page 99% of the time. In any event, he explained that while articles will say this diagnosis is achieved through an easy blood test, it is actually a very difficult problem to accurately test for. So, he's decided to treat me as if I have the defect and go from there.

I thought after all of that loss the last thing I would want to do is think about getting pregnant again. But, to be honest, when you're really ready to have a baby (at least for me) few things can deter you from that wanting. I guess this is what that tick, tick, tick of the biological clock feels like. We want to be parents and bring a child into our family. We want our love to grow in the special way creating a child allows it to. We hope that a child is in store for us and we've decided we're going to give it another try.

So for now, Fred and I have "our homework" to do- as the doctor said. lol!

July 12th 2011

It has been a difficult week.

Our angel baby (first pregnancy) would have been born right around this time.

Its hard to have miscarriage dates to remember in place of birthdays...but none-the-less I can't forget.

My niece just went into the hospital this morning to have her baby. I am struck with conflicting joy for the arrival of my new great niece or nephew and sorrow for the baby I won't be having.

Other than some heartache, life has actually been pretty good lately. I've taken some important steps with my health - losing 7 pounds and dropping my cholesterol 40 points. I feel better physically and that makes the emotional stuff a little easier.

I got my last blood test results back this morning- and after a month I am finally officially over the miscarriage and testing "negative" once again.

Some people have asked what the doctors say? Or what is the next step? Or why does this keep happening? My only answer to them is "we don't know" and we may find out one day or we may not ever know.

Its a funny thing, the big lesson this second loss has taught me is not to plan too far ahead in the future or try to hypothesize myself crazy about WHY things happen. Sometimes things just are what they are. And the planning- control freak in people let answers like that drive them crazy....for nothing. And I'm not going to drive myself crazy with the planning and the what-ifs anymore...its just not worth it. Right now I'm taking care of my health and my marriage and everything else comes second.I'm trying my hardest to live life in the moment. And when it comes time to take the next step, or to decide we are pursuing a different course, we will deal with it then.

June 10 2011

After a few days of reflection, reading, and a fair share of pain (emotionally and physically) I've found out that two miscarriages back-to-back is really very common. Not that it makes anything about them easier...but at least I'm more informed than I was.

Many pregnancies are complicated by blood clots. Women with clotting disorders alone have a 38% chance of miscarriage ("normal" women have about a 20% chance). Additionally, women with autoimmune disorders are at a greater risk of miscarriage...I have both and when you do the math...this is not all that shocking that this happened again considering my conditions.

Granted my conditions are under control and all of my levels in this pregnancy were great. In fact after a heartbeat is detected the chances of miscarriage drop to 5-10%...and in this case I fell in that 5-10%.

While knowledge is power and I'm beginning to understand that as horrible as this is, it is not rare by any means. It still doesn't mean that tiny baby whose heart I watched beating only 4 days ago does not flash into my mind every hour. I think about what went wrong and I also think about when and where I'll be with this pregnancy finally passes. I'm not worried about the pain, but I am worried I will be in the car, or at work, or somewhere terrible when it finally happens. My doctors seems certain I do not need a D&C but until my beta levels are back down to normal I will be worried.

We are devastated but at the same time I have a certain calm about me that I didn't have during the first loss. A part of me feels angry and frustrated and depressed and another part of me realizes it just wasn't meant to be. This pregnancy has taught me to let go, stop trying to control everything and most importantly not to get so caught up in planning the future and looking too far ahead.

What is also helping me is the support of family and friends but most of all my husband. I have the perfect mate for me, and not many people can honestly say that. He is loving, caring, compassionate, hard-working, self-sacrificing and simply amazing. He adores me, he takes care of me and I say without one ounce of hesitation that I would rather be childless with him than have children without him. He is my world and my love and my best friend.

As sickening as this may sound it is all so very true. We have something amazing and special and if the rest of our lives are a struggle, at least we'll struggle together....because a horrible day with him is better than the best day without him.

I still cry every day and I assume I will for awhile. I hold the onsies we bought and think about the tiny baby they were meant for. I wonder if it was really a boy or a little girl? I wonder if it had my eyes and Fred's smile. I wonder if it suffered, eventhough I know that's not really possible. But mostly I think about holding that tiny baby in my hands and whispering "I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you. But please know I loved you, I loved you with all of my heart."

June 8 2011

8 weeks, 4 days pregnant- Baby "L" leaves us.

I knew it was coming. The last three days have been more than a rollarcoaster. Monday, going in for what we thought was a "bad news" ultrasound, Baby L was still kicking- much more developed than the last time we saw him and the heartbeat was beautiful- 176 bpm.

However, the doctor warned me that the bleeding and cramping was not a good sign. I also had first trimester Oligo- a condition where there is not enough amniotic fluid in the gestational sac. This condition can often correct itself or lead to a miscarriage...I just knew in my heart (although I didn't want to) that it would be the latter.

I was ordered on strict bedrest and Tuesday evening starting having contractions and bleeding heavily. I knew it was the end. Today, an ultrasound confirmed what I already knew. The baby was gone- there was no heartbeat.

Where do we go from here? Two miscarriages in less than 7 months...maybe this is a test, or maybe parenthood just isn't meant to be for us...I wish I could scream out to someone and get an answer! Why is this happening again? We did everything right...and everything was going perfect. Why can't anything ever just be easy! I see women all the time with children who smoke, drink and eat crap the entire time they are pregnant. I see women who have all these "accidents" running around and seem to resent more than love them...and they get to be mothers...its just not right and its not fair.

But then again I learned a long time ago that nothing about life is fair.

Maybe there will be hope again one day...or maybe we will decide that this is just not meant to be.

June 5th 2011

After the struggles with my father, my health battles, his death and my miscarriage last fall I am used to life throwing curve balls and I realize a few hours can change your life forever. Although, somehow when tragedy strikes its still unexpected. Maybe its optimism or maybe its the saying that "people get what they deserve." Well, when you reach the point where you've had so many loses in your life and so much heartache- you realize the truth. There is no "what people deserve" and there is no "supposed to" - life is a series of events without rhyme and without reason. People like to say "things happen for a reason" but it is no coincidence that when people say that they are either explaining something wonderful that has happened or trying to reason through something horrible that has happened. No person really knows what tomorrow holds and that's the truth of it.

Maybe this is where prayer comes in and faith. Trusting that no matter what tomorrow brings it is part of a larger plan, part of something bigger than yourself. I wish I had an easier time believing that.

Because right now I can't seem to feel or believe anything anymore...I'm completely numb.

Friday I had just got done texting a friend about how well my pregnancy was going. I was feeling good for the most part- aside from being tired and having to continue the lovenox shots I was fine. Then, almost as soon as I sent the text things started to go wrong. Now, two days later, with things progressing, the doctors seem fairly certain I am having a miscarriage.........again.

We are going into the office in the morning for an ultrasound to confirm what I already believe will be true...we're losing another baby. And this time there was time to be excited, there was time to daydream and tell our friends and family. There were clothes that we bought because we had hope, this time we had so much hope. This time it will not be a mysterious series of numbers dropping but the absence of that beautiful heartbeat. The absence of life...

The doctor tells me that once a strong heartbeat is detected there is a less than 5% chance of miscarriage. Well, those numbers mean nothing to a girl with four extremely rare genetic conditions. Those numbers mean nothing to the girl whose father cheated death a dozen times while she stood at his bedside.

There are no statistics that make sense. There is no "supposed to." There just is what is...and the awful waiting for what is to be confirmed. I know in my heart it will not be good news but a small part of me keeps seeing that heartbeat in the back of my mind...and a small part of my mind keeps whispering "don't count me out yet."

Is that voice the voice of my baby...or is it my own voice....I cannot tell.

June 1st 2010

Week 7 has definitely been an interesting one. I have hit the exhaustion overload everyone always talks about. And to be honest I am quite cranky. Some days are still better than others but most days I'm over it by 3pm.

Other than the fatigue, I still feel pretty good overall physically. I had some very scary cramping on Sunday that had me worried- but it has subsided and not returned.

Unfortunately, we found out that our boat is not as enjoyable for me as it was pre-preg. Not only do I no longer have my "sea-legs" but the rocking of the boat makes me a little queasy. I lasted about two hours and we needed to head in. I am hoping that an outing on a calmer lake will be much better.

My test results are back in from last week and everything looks pretty good. My vitamin D levels are still very low, so I've had to double my supplement intake. Also, the !#$&ing hospital lab ran the wrong test for my Protein S levels (they ran a resting level not an activity level) so no doubt I'll need to re-peat that test soon. That is the second test they have ran incorrectly in the past month...glad my insurance company is paying for crap it doesn't need to!

But, I'm glad most of my tests came back good.

WEEK 7
Pregnancy symptoms: Breast tenderness has gotten a little better, mild cramping, I'm pretty crabby this week, and boy am I tired!
How far along?: 7w5d
How big is baby?: The size of a blueberry!
Weight gain/loss?: -2 lbs; no doubt from eating healthier and Fred and I have been walking a mile almost every night.
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Not yet.
Sleep?: Waking up about once a night, sleep has been good.
Food cravings?: Salty foods. Chips, nuts and crackers (I can't eat most crackers but the other day I thought I would kill for some Townhouse crackers!)
Gender?: No idea; I've picked up Fred's "bad" habit of calling the baby a "he." Watch all along we'll have been calling our daughter a "he" lol!
Movement?: Not yet.
Belly button?: Still there. I keep wondering how far along I'll be when I start showing...I know I have a ways to go but part of me wants to see the baby bump so bad!
What are you looking forward to this week?: Our second prenatal appointment and hitting that 8 week mark.

May 29th 2011

Who to tell and when?

Yesterday was a hard day. First a friend of ours unintentionally (although we could argue the true differences between unintentional and just being a little dense about things...) let the cat out of the bag to another friend. And a few more people, that we intended to tell at a later date, "somehow" found out about the pregnancy. And to be honest I was a little pissed.

I know deep down the main reason people blab is because they are happy for use and everyone has this deep desire to share happy or shocking news most of the time. Especially women- they like to gossip. And even women that pride themselves on not gossiping seem to have a hard time keeping the baby news under-wraps.

However, in these instances I feel the particular blabbing could have been avoided. Part of me was pissed, the other part of me was hurt and the other part of me questioned whether we've just told so many people - should we now just let everyone (sans many people at my work) know? I am still only 7w2d - very early by any standards and while things are going wonderfully so far...I'm still a little apprehensive.

I also feel though that mis-carriage is treated like some secret shame and people don't talk about it as openly and freely as maybe they'd like to. It is such a common, common occurrence that maybe actually being open about it would reduce some of the shame...and at the very least make many women feel they are not alone in the struggle and the heartache.

My sister-in-law experienced 6 mis-carriages in 6 years and was never able to carry a baby past the first trimester. My grandmother, aunt, friend and four co-workers have all experienced mis-carriage. Many of them have children by now, and one does not. In fact it is estimated that many women experience at least one or two mis-carriages in their lifetimes and were never aware they were even pregnant.

As yesterday wore on I struggled with these thoughts in my head. I called my mom and we talked, I broke down crying like a baby because I'm just so frightened. I'm scared I'll develop a blood clot, I'm scared I'll mis-carry again, I'm scared the baby will have something wrong with him/her, I'm scared I'll freeze like an idiot and not know how to take care of the baby. I'm scared this will drastically interfere with work and my marriage. But, mainly I'm just scared because I am so deeply invested in this pregnancy and I want more than anything to see it through. And Fred feels the same way.

Maybe we'll send an e-mail out next weekend once I've hit the 8 week mark...we're still undecided...I have another appointment June 8th...maybe we'll wait until then....I just don't know right now and honestly I don't really want to think about it any more for now.

May 25 2011

Half-way to the "safe mark"- time is flying by and moving at a snail pace at the same time. I just realized today is the 9 month anniversary of my father's death...I can't believe its been that long. But, at the same time I feel like its been longer than that. Time is a funny thing- it can heal and do so many wonderful things and it can also flash past in what seems like an instant!

Baby L's nose, mouth and ears are beginning to take shape. Right now he/she's eyes and nostrils are beginning to form. There are small depressions on the side of the head that will soon form into tiny ears. While Baby L is still about the size of a lentil bean, his/her heart is now beating 100 to 160 times a minute and blood is already coursing through his/her body. Intestine are developing and lung buds have now appeared.

WEEK 6:
Pregnancy symptoms: Still VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, appetite has increased, I'm more emotional, more frequent urination and the "extreme fatigue" has started to kick in...although not all days are like this. Some days I am kicking until 10pm, other days I crash as soon as I can...
How far along?: 6 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a lentil bean.
Weight gain/loss?: -1lb...although I'm sure this won't last long!
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Nope.
Sleep?: Waking up about once a night now...sleep is getting deeper and better.
Food cravings?: An increase in my general appetite and a slight preference for salty foods and a slight aversion to dairy...yes, even ice cream!
Gender?: No idea!
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there.
What are you looking forward to this week?: My second prenatal labs coming back stellar!

May 19 2011

This week Baby L has graduated from the size of an orange seed to a lentil bean. Baby L has progressed from looking like a ball of beating cells to a tiny tadpole equipped with eye and nose bundles, arm and leg buds and most importantly a beating heart!

I had my first moment of freaking out last night. I just feel overwhelmed. I'm very, very happy but this is probably the scariest thing ever! I mean - it should be scary, it is the hardest thing your body, wallet and marriage will ever go through. I am mostly ecstatic but a small part of me is a little panicked and frightened. I think most first time parents feel this way. And if they don't they're NUTS!!!

WEEK 5:
Pregnancy symptoms: Still VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, appetite has increased, I'm more emotional, more frequent urination and fatigue. This was the first week where I felt distinctly different than typical PMS stuff...
How far along?: 5 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a lentil bean.
Weight gain/loss?: No gain, no loss
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Nope although some pants are already becoming less comfortable (sigh)
Sleep?: Waking up about twice a night to pee...but sleep is better than last week.
Food cravings?: No cravings just an increase in my general appetite and I am trying very, very hard not to give in to it...at least not every day...
Gender?: Mom says a strong heart means a girl according to an old wives tale...but we seriously have no idea!
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there.
What are you looking forward to this week?: Hearing that my protein S activity level is going back up! (fingers and toes crossed!)

May 18 2011

Today I am 5w5d (5 weeks, 5 days) and we had the most amazing doctors appointment!

Earlier in the week the nurses prepared me that this appointment was likely to be "uneventful." They stated that we would likely not see a heartbeat and that the appointment was just to "verify" things and date the pregnancy...it was too early to see a heartbeat...

Well.......

WE SAW A HEARTBEAT!!!!
A VERY, VERY STRONG HEARTBEAT!!!

I almost leaped off the exam table!

See that tiny black circle in the middle of the picutre

Now, see that tiny white bean inside the black circle

That's baby L, and he/she was beating like crazy!

I couldn't believe it- it was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. Knowing that inside of me a tiny heart was beating and that my body was in the process of creating another human life.
I know, sappy stuff, but really it was truly amazing to see it in front of you!

I think I am also so giddy because aside from being a bit more tired than usual, and having some mild cramping and pulling in my lower abdomen- I feel pretty good and pretty normal.
People are irritating me a bit more than usual and by the end of the day when I get home from work I am pretty much toast...but I don't feel horrible or sick...or anything all that bad really.

Also, that tiny heartbeat made his/her daddy eat his words- which was hilarious.

Fred during the external ultrasound "I see a whole lot of nothin'!"
Me, "Just wait, you'll see something soon enough..."
Me during the internal ultrasound "Ya see something now don't ya!?!?"
Fred (grinning) "Yup, I sure do!"

It was really cool.

The appointment continued with a lot of poking and prodding...fun stuff. Apparently, in addition to an internal ultrasound I would also get a physical and a pap...nothing like getting to know a whole bunch of the office staff real up close and personal!

But, when the doctor said "everything looks great" it was well worth it.

I do have one small issue with my clotting factors (of course). The pregnancy has shot my already low protein s level even lower- dangerously low actually. So, lucky me, I get to up my dose of Lovenox and for the next week (until the new shipment of meds arrive) I get to poke myself four times a day instead of two! Super Awesome I know!

But, I knew what I signed up for when we started...especially after being with my aunt, I knew the drill. Honestly, that tiny heartbeat though, I think I'd go through anything to be sure it stays safe, sound and healthy.

May 14th 2011

We've probably let the cat out of the bag a little more than we should have. But honestly after 8 months of going through what we've gone through (and yes I realize 8 months is not really THAT long compared to some other couples). However, I also realize that in that 8 months my father has died, I've lost a pregnancy AND twice daily I am injecting myself with a concoction that feels like nothing short of a bee-sting every single time....so we've had a rough 8 months...and we are ecstatic!!!

I am having a hard time not screaming from the roof-tops!!! I'm pregnant! I feel good! and I'm happy!!!!

We have our first ultra-sound in 4 days. Depending on those results we will tell the rest of our families and friends.

I think I'll probably wait until the 13 week mark to put it on Facebook though. I only hope our friends and families will be wise enough to know not to put anything on Facebook lol!!!

May 11th 2011

Good News!!!

My repeat beta is at 240 and "perfect" according to the OBGYN nurse! Huge sigh of relief! I should expect a call today about when to expect my first prenatal appointment!!! So excited!

I am still very, very, very early, barely 5 weeks...but things are going in a much better direction than they did last time. And for some reason I just feel like everything is going to be ok this time...

Zero weeks and trying!

versus

Four weeks along and very bloated!

WEEK 4:
Pregnancy symptoms: VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, food aversions, I'm a bit more emotional, more frequent urination and sometimes I have sudden bouts of tiredness- but honestly my symptoms are not too bad. I feel good for the most part...just like mild PMS. Its really not too bad..at least so far!
How far along?: 4 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a sesame seed!
Weight gain/loss?: No gain, no loss - but plenty of bloat!
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Uh, no- I think that will be awhile...
Sleep?: Waking up about two-three times a night to pee... so not as good as it was pre-preg
Food cravings?: Some food just tastes awful, my appetite is noticeably less than it was pre-preg...probably a good thing.
Gender?: No idea yet...although for some reason I think it may be a boy...
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there of course!
What are you looking forward to this week?: Breaking through to 5 weeks and scheduling our first prenatal appointment!

Notables: Just very happy, excited, nervous- all at once! I feel like a butterfly is in my stomach. But I also feel a calm like everything is going to be ok too.

May 7th 2011

POSITIVE!!! POSITIVE!!! POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!!!!

If it was negative on Wednesday when my beta was at a 7...and now it is positive...it can only mean...the numbers are going UP!!!!

Fred and I can't stop smiling. Although we are still a bit apprehensive.

The repeat beta in three days will tell us the most important thing, if the pregnancy is looking viable. And I am still having some scary cramping similar to when I miscarried before (this actually has us a LOT worried...).

BUT, the cramps are not constant- they've been decreasing every day. And most importantly they have not been accompanied by bleeding...the biggest "uh, oh" sign.

We're optimistic that this is it!! Cautiously optimistic. We have agreed that for now, and until the beta keeps rising (as we are hoping it will) we are only going to tell my mother.

I can't believe this is actually happening...the night before Mother's Day I'm finding out I may just be a Mother soon!!! I'm on cloud nine. And even if this ends sadly, I'm going to take the feeling I have now and cherish it. A miracle has happened again and I have to have faith that this time it is meant to be.

May 6th 2011

What a difference a week can make. So, today I am officially 6 days late for my period. I tested negative on two home tests two days ago but had a very low positive on the hCG blood test.

The nurse fears it is a chemical pregnancy, as the numbers are too low for what would be expected at 4 weeks pregnant. However, when I look the numbers up online it says that it is perfectly normal to have very low beta numbers at 3-4 weeks pregnant in some women. Part of me wants to be excited but the other part of me remembers the nurses warning "it is very unlikely you are experiencing a viable pregnancy..."

Please don't tell me I am going to miscarry...again...

All I can do is wait and repeat the beta in a week, the nurse instructed. And if in the mean time my period comes then I don't need to bother.

I can't be excited. I can't be disappointed.

I have to just wait and see what happens.

April 22, 2011

For Christ Sakes!!! I swear I thought I was broken...and I also swear my body is literally trying to drive me to the nut house!

So, for the three months my ovulation has been predictable- day 17 of my cycle, next month- day 17, next month...day 17! Ok, now I got it down! My temperature long ago quit being an accurate indicator- it is slowly coming back to normal but it is just not what it was before the miscarriage...

So this month- the 17th day of my cycle rolls around- negative ovulation kit, 18th- negative again (huh?), 19th-negative (what the heck?), 20th-negative (are you f*cking kidding me!?!?)

At this point I'm in a panic- ok I was panicking by day 18th but whose counting? I'm thinking, not only do I have to do these shots twice a day and not only has this miscarriage obliterated any predictability in my cycle...but don't tell me I am now NOT OVULATING!!! That optimism went right out the window with that though!

Then, like the relief of A/C on a 90 degree July day- the ovulation kit came back positive on day 22.

WHAT A RELIEF!!!

All this tells me is that my body is not as predictable as I thought and I need to watch the "signs" a bit more closely than I have been...I need to expect the unexpected...when all we're really trying to do is get to the "expecting" part!

April 11, 2011

Yep. Not pregnant. Not surprised.

Enjoying being just us two...but as the news of more and more "mom and dad's to be" pile in...I'm getting a little irritated. I'm not horribly depressed or sad like I was...but lately I have having some pretty bad reactions and injection-site pain from the Lovenox shots.

It just kinda sucks- I'm black and blue all over and in a lot of pain.

But, patience is a virtue and I'm working on it. Boy am I working on it....but its not easy.

March 28, 2011

Well true to my intentions I am much less anxious and worried this month. I am also fairly certain I am not pregnant. No steady temperature increase or any other signs of pregnancy. Although as Fred said it best, "I'm not even guessing anymore, last month you had a ton of signs and nada...this month no signs so you probably are!" LOL!

It's ok though. I'm happy and a lot is going right in my life right now so its hard to be upset. We are almost completely out of credit card debt. Work is going wonderfully and I am getting so much positive feedback. I feel good about myself and lately I have felt..as silly as it sounds...pretty for the first time in awhile. Maybe its the coming of spring or the extra sunlight we've been getting. I don't know. Something inside me is just calmer...when I'm ready to be a mother I will be. We know from our miscarriage experience that everything is working right and pregnancy is possible, so in that regard we are relived. And until the day comes where we get another positive test I'm just going to enjoy being well...just us two.

March 21st 2011

I am beginning to realize that I need to let go. I've said this before and last month I thought I had let go...I hadn't. All I can do is continue to chart and we can make sure we hit our optimum timing (which we have been...and yes I KNOW we have been) and whatever happens from there is out of our hands.

I can honestly say I haven't thought that much about being pregnant this month. I don't know if the arrival of Spring has me distracted, or simply has me giddy at the warmer temps, but either way I just feel good. I'm trying to relish in all the things that I have right now (that I may not have when pregnancy and baby come- if they ever do). Free time. Alone time. Romantic time with my hubby. A cosmopolitan. A flat (well relatively flat) stomach. Feet that are NOT swollen...etc.


I'm resolving to go about my life like I always have been (by now the charting and shots are so much a part of my daily routine I hardly notice anymore...) and whatever happens and whenever it happens will be.


And who knows maybe this month will bring some good news. Or maybe it won't. Either way I just want to be happy and not worry about it. Some things in life are not meant to be controlled or planned- some things are just meant to happen when they happen. My body is finally back to its normal cycle after the miscarriage- it took 4 cycles actually, not 2...and hormonally I am back on track. I know that I am ovulating...so I know I have nothing to worry about...I just have to let it be. I'm healthy and that is the most important thing- for me, hubby and any future baby.

I hope I can continue to think and feel this way.

March 5th 2011

I'm not pregnant.

I'm not happy.

I'm so sick of the rollarcoaster.

I have nothing more to say.

February 25, 2011

If I'm not pregnant I will be very, very surprised- let's just put it that way...

Signs:
1) High basal body temperatures: higher than ever before (other than during my last pregnancy), for three days in a row.
2) Breast changes: (we'll leave it at that!)
3) Morning nausea: not vomiting and the nausea is manageable, but defiantly noticeable for the first three hours after I awake.
4) Changes to my eating habits: I have been so hungry but when I eat I fill up very, very quickly and can only consume about half the quantity I usually do. However, I am again hungry in about three or four hours. And I'm talking stomach actually growling, I will kill someone if I don't eat kind of hungry! Yet, according to the scale, my weight has stayed the same.
5) Mild cramping: Mild cramping and a feeling of "fullness" although this is something that happens prior to my period as well- so not sure if it is an actual sign.

So, I guess we'll wait and see. From my calculations we should be able to see a positive pregnancy test around March 6th if I am pregnant- eight days from now.

I am excited and very, very nervous. I don't want to be let down again, but more importantly, I don't want to loss another baby.

February 23, 2011

TWO LINES!!! We have a go!

So, I don't need to get into what that meant. But what I will say is that it was extremely, extremely emotional and scary. We're starting down that road again. The road to potential joy and success or the road to heartbreak. Its a coin toss...as any pregnancy is...

Since I'm past most of the grief from my miscarriage, I did decide to have a talk with my niece- we'll call her niece #1 (whom I just found out is pregnant with her second child and due in October) about my situation. She had a lot of difficulty conceiving her first child and she watched two of her sisters getting pregnant with ease during this time (one of whom is the niece who got pregnant the same time as me in October- we'll call her niece #2). Although niece #1's situation was different, we were able to share and bond. It was nice. It was nice not to feel so alone in the struggle. She had to endure once a day fertility shots and the constant body and temperature monitoring, so she knows the routine and can not only sympathize but empathize.

What I was not prepared for is the pictures I saw on Facebook this morning. Niece #2's ultrasound pictures...her baby is perfect and healthy and bigger than I thought it would be at this time. Although niece #2 is not finding out the sex of her baby, apparently we would have been finding out this week or next if we were having a baby boy or a little girl. My heart ached.

Now, we're back to the waiting game- we'll see if this month holds any promise. Either way I'm trying to be optimistic. And while I will love my great- niece or nephew dearly, the truth remains they will be a reminder of what would have been. But maybe that can be a beautiful thing. Maybe, if at least in our minds, we can see this baby grow and change and realize everything happens for a reason. Maybe we were meant to loss our first baby so that we can truly and hopelessly love and appreciate our future baby. Here's to hopeless optimism!

February 17, 2011

I'm scared that I won't become pregnant this month. And I'm scared that I will. I feel like I'm going through this private struggle every month that goes by- and I feel like I'm doing it all alone. Yeah, yeah- I have friends and family and my husband to talk to- and they've been supportive. But, I still feel alone in some ways. Its me that has the 15 minute ritual each and every morning and its me that is most excited and then devastated when things don't go the way I wanted or wished they would.


Right about now all I wish is that we were one of those lucky couples that can just "stop preventing" and let nature take its course. One of those lucky couples that doesn't have to worry about working around all the bruises I have from needle sticks and temperature changes and everything else.

You know I sit and I think about the couples where it all comes so easily for them. I wonder if they really appreciate the ability they have to start a family in such a non-stressful way? I also wonder about the women who say they don't want kids. What if one day, you do? Are you sacrificing the ability to be one of "those" couples to one day have to be a couple like us?


And I say the following with no judgment, just an observation. My generation has focused more on getting an education and a career and a stable home life before having children, which I think is wonderful! But it is slightly ironic and somewhat cruel that doing those very things often takes women past the point of optimum fertility. And, even more cruel, studies show that couples who wait until their late twenties/early thirties to have children are actually better parents! Yet, they have the most difficulty getting pregnant...

February 6, 2011

6 months and counting. I'm in a better mood than my last post and I've realized one thing. If it seems like my posts are written by two different people...they have been. Hormonal me and regular me.

It seems this miscarriage has thrown my hormones for quite a little tail-spin. I am having PMS that rivals ANYTHING I've every experienced before...and it last about 12 freakin' days every month!

My poor husband.

I feel like this alien takes over my body and makes me hate everyone and everything I come into contact with. It doesn't matter what anybody says or does, its all an evil plot to make me feel more horrible than I already do.

Once the cloud lifts I look back at myself like, "What a crazy $!&*#!"

Dear Sweet Sweet Lord- do not let me be a basket case if/when I get pregnant. I really don't like being that way...and I'd really like to stay married and not tell all my friends and family to go to hell, they really don't deserve it...amen.

January 27th 2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Things have been much the same as they were in December. I'm still somewhat stressed- work has been very busy and no matter how much Fred and I try not to be, we still seem to be so busy all of the time at home too!

The hardest part of my mourning for my father has seemed to pass. I didn't quite realize what a depression I had fallen into until I felt the fog lift. Some time this month I just realized I was happier, calmer and the whole day would pass without me thinking of my father or the day I learned of his death flashing through my mind in one vivid horrific image or another. Don't get me wrong- I still thought (and think) of him often. When I pass his photo in our home I still whisper, "I love you" or "I miss you." But I seem to be adjusting to my life without him finally, after four very hard months.

My body, true to form, has decided that along with our new "venture" it would get a mind of its own and change course. My body has decided that although it has gone 18 years in a fairly consistent, predictable pattern- now (just to screw with me I think) it has decided to change course. So, what used to be predictable, and I mean like clock-work, is now unpredictable, varied and extremely frustrating. You ladies know what I mean!

The doctors told us after the mis-carriage we need to wait two natural cycles before we begin "trying" again. Well my cycles are no longer 28-32 days (like I've said before folks, if you can't handle the details, please leave this blog....) and are now WAY farther apart.

Great.

So, we decided to say "whatever!" We waiting one natural cycle and then decided to just let things happen more naturally. I'm still charting but we're just taking it easy, doing what we want when we feel like it and stop putting so much pressure on everything.

Don't get me wrong, I still would really like to get the show on the road. These shots are no picnic and the longer I am on them the worse it will be for my health in later life. And also, odd as it is to say it- it seems everyone is pregnant or having a baby around me...

And to be honest, my little clock is tick-tick-ticking! I know, barf right? And I swore I wasn't "that woman!" But seriously I don't think I've ever wanted something so much in my life. Its like this is what I am ready for and I know it. And trust me I find it very odd. I've always been the one "without a biological clock." I mean I've always loved children and babies but I've always thought pregnancy and certainly labor sound horrific and disgusting!

Well, I don't know how to explain it, but some time in the past year- and maybe since watching my aunt give birth- my thoughts have changed.

I don't believe there is a baby coming this month...who knows, maybe next month...just in time to be the ninth family member born in November? Just to be a Scorpio child to drive me nuts and be as stubborn and intense as its Mother?

Well, with the way my life has gone, I wouldn't be one bit surprised.