Who to tell and when?
Yesterday was a hard day. First a friend of ours unintentionally (although we could argue the true differences between unintentional and just being a little dense about things...) let the cat out of the bag to another friend. And a few more people, that we intended to tell at a later date, "somehow" found out about the pregnancy. And to be honest I was a little pissed.
I know deep down the main reason people blab is because they are happy for use and everyone has this deep desire to share happy or shocking news most of the time. Especially women- they like to gossip. And even women that pride themselves on not gossiping seem to have a hard time keeping the baby news under-wraps.
However, in these instances I feel the particular blabbing could have been avoided. Part of me was pissed, the other part of me was hurt and the other part of me questioned whether we've just told so many people - should we now just let everyone (sans many people at my work) know? I am still only 7w2d - very early by any standards and while things are going wonderfully so far...I'm still a little apprehensive.
I also feel though that mis-carriage is treated like some secret shame and people don't talk about it as openly and freely as maybe they'd like to. It is such a common, common occurrence that maybe actually being open about it would reduce some of the shame...and at the very least make many women feel they are not alone in the struggle and the heartache.
My sister-in-law experienced 6 mis-carriages in 6 years and was never able to carry a baby past the first trimester. My grandmother, aunt, friend and four co-workers have all experienced mis-carriage. Many of them have children by now, and one does not. In fact it is estimated that many women experience at least one or two mis-carriages in their lifetimes and were never aware they were even pregnant.
As yesterday wore on I struggled with these thoughts in my head. I called my mom and we talked, I broke down crying like a baby because I'm just so frightened. I'm scared I'll develop a blood clot, I'm scared I'll mis-carry again, I'm scared the baby will have something wrong with him/her, I'm scared I'll freeze like an idiot and not know how to take care of the baby. I'm scared this will drastically interfere with work and my marriage. But, mainly I'm just scared because I am so deeply invested in this pregnancy and I want more than anything to see it through. And Fred feels the same way.
Maybe we'll send an e-mail out next weekend once I've hit the 8 week mark...we're still undecided...I have another appointment June 8th...maybe we'll wait until then....I just don't know right now and honestly I don't really want to think about it any more for now.
Lincoln
May 25 2011
Half-way to the "safe mark"- time is flying by and moving at a snail pace at the same time. I just realized today is the 9 month anniversary of my father's death...I can't believe its been that long. But, at the same time I feel like its been longer than that. Time is a funny thing- it can heal and do so many wonderful things and it can also flash past in what seems like an instant!
Baby L's nose, mouth and ears are beginning to take shape. Right now he/she's eyes and nostrils are beginning to form. There are small depressions on the side of the head that will soon form into tiny ears. While Baby L is still about the size of a lentil bean, his/her heart is now beating 100 to 160 times a minute and blood is already coursing through his/her body. Intestine are developing and lung buds have now appeared.
WEEK 6:
Pregnancy symptoms: Still VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, appetite has increased, I'm more emotional, more frequent urination and the "extreme fatigue" has started to kick in...although not all days are like this. Some days I am kicking until 10pm, other days I crash as soon as I can...
How far along?: 6 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a lentil bean.
Weight gain/loss?: -1lb...although I'm sure this won't last long!
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Nope.
Sleep?: Waking up about once a night now...sleep is getting deeper and better.
Food cravings?: An increase in my general appetite and a slight preference for salty foods and a slight aversion to dairy...yes, even ice cream!
Gender?: No idea!
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there.
What are you looking forward to this week?: My second prenatal labs coming back stellar!
Baby L's nose, mouth and ears are beginning to take shape. Right now he/she's eyes and nostrils are beginning to form. There are small depressions on the side of the head that will soon form into tiny ears. While Baby L is still about the size of a lentil bean, his/her heart is now beating 100 to 160 times a minute and blood is already coursing through his/her body. Intestine are developing and lung buds have now appeared.
WEEK 6:
Pregnancy symptoms: Still VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, appetite has increased, I'm more emotional, more frequent urination and the "extreme fatigue" has started to kick in...although not all days are like this. Some days I am kicking until 10pm, other days I crash as soon as I can...
How far along?: 6 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a lentil bean.
Weight gain/loss?: -1lb...although I'm sure this won't last long!
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Nope.
Sleep?: Waking up about once a night now...sleep is getting deeper and better.
Food cravings?: An increase in my general appetite and a slight preference for salty foods and a slight aversion to dairy...yes, even ice cream!
Gender?: No idea!
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there.
What are you looking forward to this week?: My second prenatal labs coming back stellar!
May 19 2011
This week Baby L has graduated from the size of an orange seed to a lentil bean. Baby L has progressed from looking like a ball of beating cells to a tiny tadpole equipped with eye and nose bundles, arm and leg buds and most importantly a beating heart!
I had my first moment of freaking out last night. I just feel overwhelmed. I'm very, very happy but this is probably the scariest thing ever! I mean - it should be scary, it is the hardest thing your body, wallet and marriage will ever go through. I am mostly ecstatic but a small part of me is a little panicked and frightened. I think most first time parents feel this way. And if they don't they're NUTS!!!
WEEK 5:
Pregnancy symptoms: Still VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, appetite has increased, I'm more emotional, more frequent urination and fatigue. This was the first week where I felt distinctly different than typical PMS stuff...
How far along?: 5 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a lentil bean.
Weight gain/loss?: No gain, no loss
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Nope although some pants are already becoming less comfortable (sigh)
Sleep?: Waking up about twice a night to pee...but sleep is better than last week.
Food cravings?: No cravings just an increase in my general appetite and I am trying very, very hard not to give in to it...at least not every day...
Gender?: Mom says a strong heart means a girl according to an old wives tale...but we seriously have no idea!
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there.
What are you looking forward to this week?: Hearing that my protein S activity level is going back up! (fingers and toes crossed!)
I had my first moment of freaking out last night. I just feel overwhelmed. I'm very, very happy but this is probably the scariest thing ever! I mean - it should be scary, it is the hardest thing your body, wallet and marriage will ever go through. I am mostly ecstatic but a small part of me is a little panicked and frightened. I think most first time parents feel this way. And if they don't they're NUTS!!!
WEEK 5:
Pregnancy symptoms: Still VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, appetite has increased, I'm more emotional, more frequent urination and fatigue. This was the first week where I felt distinctly different than typical PMS stuff...
How far along?: 5 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a lentil bean.
Weight gain/loss?: No gain, no loss
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Nope although some pants are already becoming less comfortable (sigh)
Sleep?: Waking up about twice a night to pee...but sleep is better than last week.
Food cravings?: No cravings just an increase in my general appetite and I am trying very, very hard not to give in to it...at least not every day...
Gender?: Mom says a strong heart means a girl according to an old wives tale...but we seriously have no idea!
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there.
What are you looking forward to this week?: Hearing that my protein S activity level is going back up! (fingers and toes crossed!)
May 18 2011
Today I am 5w5d (5 weeks, 5 days) and we had the most amazing doctors appointment! Earlier in the week the nurses prepared me that this appointment was likely to be "uneventful." They stated that we would likely not see a heartbeat and that the appointment was just to "verify" things and date the pregnancy...it was too early to see a heartbeat...
Well.......
WE SAW A HEARTBEAT!!!!
A VERY, VERY STRONG HEARTBEAT!!!
I almost leaped off the exam table!
Well.......
WE SAW A HEARTBEAT!!!!
A VERY, VERY STRONG HEARTBEAT!!!
I almost leaped off the exam table!
See that tiny black circle in the middle of the picutre
Now, see that tiny white bean inside the black circle
That's baby L, and he/she was beating like crazy!I couldn't believe it- it was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. Knowing that inside of me a tiny heart was beating and that my body was in the process of creating another human life.
I know, sappy stuff, but really it was truly amazing to see it in front of you!
I think I am also so giddy because aside from being a bit more tired than usual, and having some mild cramping and pulling in my lower abdomen- I feel pretty good and pretty normal.
People are irritating me a bit more than usual and by the end of the day when I get home from work I am pretty much toast...but I don't feel horrible or sick...or anything all that bad really.
Also, that tiny heartbeat made his/her daddy eat his words- which was hilarious.
Fred during the external ultrasound "I see a whole lot of nothin'!"
Me, "Just wait, you'll see something soon enough..."
Me during the internal ultrasound "Ya see something now don't ya!?!?"
Fred (grinning) "Yup, I sure do!"
It was really cool.
The appointment continued with a lot of poking and prodding...fun stuff. Apparently, in addition to an internal ultrasound I would also get a physical and a pap...nothing like getting to know a whole bunch of the office staff real up close and personal!
But, when the doctor said "everything looks great" it was well worth it.
I do have one small issue with my clotting factors (of course). The pregnancy has shot my already low protein s level even lower- dangerously low actually. So, lucky me, I get to up my dose of Lovenox and for the next week (until the new shipment of meds arrive) I get to poke myself four times a day instead of two! Super Awesome I know!
But, I knew what I signed up for when we started...especially after being with my aunt, I knew the drill. Honestly, that tiny heartbeat though, I think I'd go through anything to be sure it stays safe, sound and healthy.
May 14th 2011
We've probably let the cat out of the bag a little more than we should have. But honestly after 8 months of going through what we've gone through (and yes I realize 8 months is not really THAT long compared to some other couples). However, I also realize that in that 8 months my father has died, I've lost a pregnancy AND twice daily I am injecting myself with a concoction that feels like nothing short of a bee-sting every single time....so we've had a rough 8 months...and we are ecstatic!!!
I am having a hard time not screaming from the roof-tops!!! I'm pregnant! I feel good! and I'm happy!!!!
We have our first ultra-sound in 4 days. Depending on those results we will tell the rest of our families and friends.
I think I'll probably wait until the 13 week mark to put it on Facebook though. I only hope our friends and families will be wise enough to know not to put anything on Facebook lol!!!
I am having a hard time not screaming from the roof-tops!!! I'm pregnant! I feel good! and I'm happy!!!!
We have our first ultra-sound in 4 days. Depending on those results we will tell the rest of our families and friends.
I think I'll probably wait until the 13 week mark to put it on Facebook though. I only hope our friends and families will be wise enough to know not to put anything on Facebook lol!!!
May 11th 2011
Good News!!!
My repeat beta is at 240 and "perfect" according to the OBGYN nurse! Huge sigh of relief! I should expect a call today about when to expect my first prenatal appointment!!! So excited!
I am still very, very, very early, barely 5 weeks...but things are going in a much better direction than they did last time. And for some reason I just feel like everything is going to be ok this time...
WEEK 4:
Pregnancy symptoms: VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, food aversions, I'm a bit more emotional, more frequent urination and sometimes I have sudden bouts of tiredness- but honestly my symptoms are not too bad. I feel good for the most part...just like mild PMS. Its really not too bad..at least so far!
How far along?: 4 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a sesame seed!
Weight gain/loss?: No gain, no loss - but plenty of bloat!
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Uh, no- I think that will be awhile...
Sleep?: Waking up about two-three times a night to pee... so not as good as it was pre-preg
Food cravings?: Some food just tastes awful, my appetite is noticeably less than it was pre-preg...probably a good thing.
Gender?: No idea yet...although for some reason I think it may be a boy...
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there of course!
What are you looking forward to this week?: Breaking through to 5 weeks and scheduling our first prenatal appointment!
Notables: Just very happy, excited, nervous- all at once! I feel like a butterfly is in my stomach. But I also feel a calm like everything is going to be ok too.
My repeat beta is at 240 and "perfect" according to the OBGYN nurse! Huge sigh of relief! I should expect a call today about when to expect my first prenatal appointment!!! So excited!
I am still very, very, very early, barely 5 weeks...but things are going in a much better direction than they did last time. And for some reason I just feel like everything is going to be ok this time...
Zero weeks and trying!
versus
Four weeks along and very bloated!
versus
Four weeks along and very bloated!
WEEK 4:
Pregnancy symptoms: VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, food aversions, I'm a bit more emotional, more frequent urination and sometimes I have sudden bouts of tiredness- but honestly my symptoms are not too bad. I feel good for the most part...just like mild PMS. Its really not too bad..at least so far!
How far along?: 4 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a sesame seed!
Weight gain/loss?: No gain, no loss - but plenty of bloat!
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Uh, no- I think that will be awhile...
Sleep?: Waking up about two-three times a night to pee... so not as good as it was pre-preg
Food cravings?: Some food just tastes awful, my appetite is noticeably less than it was pre-preg...probably a good thing.
Gender?: No idea yet...although for some reason I think it may be a boy...
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there of course!
What are you looking forward to this week?: Breaking through to 5 weeks and scheduling our first prenatal appointment!
Notables: Just very happy, excited, nervous- all at once! I feel like a butterfly is in my stomach. But I also feel a calm like everything is going to be ok too.
May 7th 2011
POSITIVE!!! POSITIVE!!! POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!!!!
If it was negative on Wednesday when my beta was at a 7...and now it is positive...it can only mean...the numbers are going UP!!!!Fred and I can't stop smiling. Although we are still a bit apprehensive.
The repeat beta in three days will tell us the most important thing, if the pregnancy is looking viable. And I am still having some scary cramping similar to when I miscarried before (this actually has us a LOT worried...).
BUT, the cramps are not constant- they've been decreasing every day. And most importantly they have not been accompanied by bleeding...the biggest "uh, oh" sign.
We're optimistic that this is it!! Cautiously optimistic. We have agreed that for now, and until the beta keeps rising (as we are hoping it will) we are only going to tell my mother.
I can't believe this is actually happening...the night before Mother's Day I'm finding out I may just be a Mother soon!!! I'm on cloud nine. And even if this ends sadly, I'm going to take the feeling I have now and cherish it. A miracle has happened again and I have to have faith that this time it is meant to be.
May 6th 2011
What a difference a week can make. So, today I am officially 6 days late for my period. I tested negative on two home tests two days ago but had a very low positive on the hCG blood test.
The nurse fears it is a chemical pregnancy, as the numbers are too low for what would be expected at 4 weeks pregnant. However, when I look the numbers up online it says that it is perfectly normal to have very low beta numbers at 3-4 weeks pregnant in some women. Part of me wants to be excited but the other part of me remembers the nurses warning "it is very unlikely you are experiencing a viable pregnancy..."
Please don't tell me I am going to miscarry...again...
All I can do is wait and repeat the beta in a week, the nurse instructed. And if in the mean time my period comes then I don't need to bother.
I can't be excited. I can't be disappointed.
I have to just wait and see what happens.
The nurse fears it is a chemical pregnancy, as the numbers are too low for what would be expected at 4 weeks pregnant. However, when I look the numbers up online it says that it is perfectly normal to have very low beta numbers at 3-4 weeks pregnant in some women. Part of me wants to be excited but the other part of me remembers the nurses warning "it is very unlikely you are experiencing a viable pregnancy..."
Please don't tell me I am going to miscarry...again...
All I can do is wait and repeat the beta in a week, the nurse instructed. And if in the mean time my period comes then I don't need to bother.
I can't be excited. I can't be disappointed.
I have to just wait and see what happens.
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