HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Things have been much the same as they were in December. I'm still somewhat stressed- work has been very busy and no matter how much Fred and I try not to be, we still seem to be so busy all of the time at home too!
The hardest part of my mourning for my father has seemed to pass. I didn't quite realize what a depression I had fallen into until I felt the fog lift. Some time this month I just realized I was happier, calmer and the whole day would pass without me thinking of my father or the day I learned of his death flashing through my mind in one vivid horrific image or another. Don't get me wrong- I still thought (and think) of him often. When I pass his photo in our home I still whisper, "I love you" or "I miss you." But I seem to be adjusting to my life without him finally, after four very hard months.
My body, true to form, has decided that along with our new "venture" it would get a mind of its own and change course. My body has decided that although it has gone 18 years in a fairly consistent, predictable pattern- now (just to screw with me I think) it has decided to change course. So, what used to be predictable, and I mean like clock-work, is now unpredictable, varied and extremely frustrating. You ladies know what I mean!
The doctors told us after the mis-carriage we need to wait two natural cycles before we begin "trying" again. Well my cycles are no longer 28-32 days (like I've said before folks, if you can't handle the details, please leave this blog....) and are now WAY farther apart.
Great.
So, we decided to say "whatever!" We waiting one natural cycle and then decided to just let things happen more naturally. I'm still charting but we're just taking it easy, doing what we want when we feel like it and stop putting so much pressure on everything.
Don't get me wrong, I still would really like to get the show on the road. These shots are no picnic and the longer I am on them the worse it will be for my health in later life. And also, odd as it is to say it- it seems everyone is pregnant or having a baby around me...
And to be honest, my little clock is tick-tick-ticking! I know, barf right? And I swore I wasn't "that woman!" But seriously I don't think I've ever wanted something so much in my life. Its like this is what I am ready for and I know it. And trust me I find it very odd. I've always been the one "without a biological clock." I mean I've always loved children and babies but I've always thought pregnancy and certainly labor sound horrific and disgusting!
Well, I don't know how to explain it, but some time in the past year- and maybe since watching my aunt give birth- my thoughts have changed.
I don't believe there is a baby coming this month...who knows, maybe next month...just in time to be the ninth family member born in November? Just to be a Scorpio child to drive me nuts and be as stubborn and intense as its Mother?
Well, with the way my life has gone, I wouldn't be one bit surprised.
Lincoln
December 22nd 2010
Well, it has been quite awhile since my last post. What have we been up to? A whole lot of nada!
We're waiting. And for this impatient girl, it has been torture.
We're waiting for my body to get back to normal. And its taking its good ole' sweet damn time!
Maybe that's a good thing. I've been super stressed lately, due to the Holidays and work- maybe its good to have some "time off" to just relax and remember what really matters.
2007 was a great year- we were married and madly in love (well we still are but you know what I mean)
2008 was awful- one health problem after another...
2009 was sweet!- I got a job I had been pining after for over a year...we bought a house and I finally got a new car!
2010 has been super sad- disappointments early in the year in some of our relationships, then of course losing my father and now the miscarriage.
Here's hoping 2011 will bring us the odd year luck we seem to have!!!
We're waiting. And for this impatient girl, it has been torture.
We're waiting for my body to get back to normal. And its taking its good ole' sweet damn time!
Maybe that's a good thing. I've been super stressed lately, due to the Holidays and work- maybe its good to have some "time off" to just relax and remember what really matters.
2007 was a great year- we were married and madly in love (well we still are but you know what I mean)
2008 was awful- one health problem after another...
2009 was sweet!- I got a job I had been pining after for over a year...we bought a house and I finally got a new car!
2010 has been super sad- disappointments early in the year in some of our relationships, then of course losing my father and now the miscarriage.
Here's hoping 2011 will bring us the odd year luck we seem to have!!!
November 26th 2010
Although this Thanksgiving there were things to be thankful for I found myself holding back tears while eating my turkey.
After getting to Fred's sisters and saying hello to everyone, and trading birthday gifts with his mother and sisters (we all have birthdays within a one month span) I was starting to feel a bit more at ease. I had a horrible night before Thanksgiving and was in a very dark place...
Then, Fred's niece comes bouncing in ecstatic - she and her husband are pregnant with their second child! She is six weeks along and due...exactly when I would have been...awesome. Now, of course she doesn't know what I am going through and couldn't possibly have imagined her good news would send a dagger right through my heart. If she had known, I am positive she would have been a bit more discrete. And I am happy for her. I care about and love her and her family and want her happy. It is just that the timing (at least for us) couldn't have been worse.
I fought back tears and offered my congratulations- I don't want to diminish her happiness with my pain. That is selfish and I refuse to be selfish. She has a right to be happy, just as I have a right to be sad.
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Received a call from my doctors office today. I am STILL testing positive- my beta (hCG) is at 85. For Christ Sake this is not over!!! Its been ten days!
I asked about the bleeding and cramping and the nurse said it can go on for another week or two- great.
She stated my hematocrit and hemoglobin was perfect- so they are not concerned that I am losing too much blood. So, physically I just have to wait it out, my body is doing "its job."
Mentally and emotionally I just want this over with. I have pretty much had it with the bleeding. I want these forsaken hormones OUT of my body- if they are not there to support a baby, then get the $#@* out! I want to stop feeling like a basket-case. And, probably most importantly, I want to stop having a reminder of this horrible loss every time I step foot into the bathroom.
After getting to Fred's sisters and saying hello to everyone, and trading birthday gifts with his mother and sisters (we all have birthdays within a one month span) I was starting to feel a bit more at ease. I had a horrible night before Thanksgiving and was in a very dark place...
Then, Fred's niece comes bouncing in ecstatic - she and her husband are pregnant with their second child! She is six weeks along and due...exactly when I would have been...awesome. Now, of course she doesn't know what I am going through and couldn't possibly have imagined her good news would send a dagger right through my heart. If she had known, I am positive she would have been a bit more discrete. And I am happy for her. I care about and love her and her family and want her happy. It is just that the timing (at least for us) couldn't have been worse.
I fought back tears and offered my congratulations- I don't want to diminish her happiness with my pain. That is selfish and I refuse to be selfish. She has a right to be happy, just as I have a right to be sad.
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Received a call from my doctors office today. I am STILL testing positive- my beta (hCG) is at 85. For Christ Sake this is not over!!! Its been ten days!
I asked about the bleeding and cramping and the nurse said it can go on for another week or two- great.
She stated my hematocrit and hemoglobin was perfect- so they are not concerned that I am losing too much blood. So, physically I just have to wait it out, my body is doing "its job."
Mentally and emotionally I just want this over with. I have pretty much had it with the bleeding. I want these forsaken hormones OUT of my body- if they are not there to support a baby, then get the $#@* out! I want to stop feeling like a basket-case. And, probably most importantly, I want to stop having a reminder of this horrible loss every time I step foot into the bathroom.
November 21st 2010
I think the worst has passed. This weekend has not been easy. I had a great amount of pain on Friday and Saturday, and today so far, I've just felt very run down and tired. At least now I can take Motrin for the pain- and it is helping.
I've been trying to keep myself busy doing all of the things I would normally have done this weekend. I'm finding the distraction helps somewhat...
I'm crying less, although I'm still very sad- and I think that is to be expected.
When I'm at work or with friends I am putting on a strong front and when I'm alone with my thoughts, I grieve. I still grieve for my father and the things he will never be with me to experience and now I also grieve for that tiny little light of life that was inside of me only a week ago. I grieve for what that child would have been- for who they would have been.
I know things happen for a reason. I know life challenges you so you can come out stronger and happier on the other side.
But knowing this does not ease the hurt. Only time can.
I've been trying to keep myself busy doing all of the things I would normally have done this weekend. I'm finding the distraction helps somewhat...
I'm crying less, although I'm still very sad- and I think that is to be expected.
When I'm at work or with friends I am putting on a strong front and when I'm alone with my thoughts, I grieve. I still grieve for my father and the things he will never be with me to experience and now I also grieve for that tiny little light of life that was inside of me only a week ago. I grieve for what that child would have been- for who they would have been.
I know things happen for a reason. I know life challenges you so you can come out stronger and happier on the other side.
But knowing this does not ease the hurt. Only time can.
November 19th 2010
9am- my doctors office calls, my beta is at 119...I am losing the baby.
Even though I know it is not even technically a baby yet...
Even though I knew this was the most likely outcome. Even though I have only known I was pregnant for four days. Even though I know what is happening...I still want that baby.
I never knew how much I wanted him/her, until I was losing them...
3:30pm - I begin to cramp again badly...
My pregnancy ended before it has had a chance to really begin.
Even though I know it is not even technically a baby yet...
Even though I knew this was the most likely outcome. Even though I have only known I was pregnant for four days. Even though I know what is happening...I still want that baby.
I never knew how much I wanted him/her, until I was losing them...
3:30pm - I begin to cramp again badly...
My pregnancy ended before it has had a chance to really begin.
November 17th 2010
"Well, the test came back positive" the nurse said on the phone- clearly stunned.
"I thought it might," I said.
I explained what had happened the night before and the nurse stated I needed to repeat the test two days later to see if the count (hCG) is going up (a potentially viable pregnancy) or going down (signing a pregnancy that is ending itself).
My count was 342- indicating I would be about 4 weeks pregnant...I did get pregnant when I thought I did! The temperature was right!
So, I needed to go to the hospital tomorrow and I would get the result Friday morning. Talk about the longest 48 hours of waiting in our lives.
After getting of the phone with the nurse I started having some mild cramping and I had not stopped bleeding (although it had lessened) since the day before.
I don't know what to think. Most of me knows this pregnancy is not viable- but part of me wants to hold out hope that it is.
"I thought it might," I said.
I explained what had happened the night before and the nurse stated I needed to repeat the test two days later to see if the count (hCG) is going up (a potentially viable pregnancy) or going down (signing a pregnancy that is ending itself).
My count was 342- indicating I would be about 4 weeks pregnant...I did get pregnant when I thought I did! The temperature was right!
So, I needed to go to the hospital tomorrow and I would get the result Friday morning. Talk about the longest 48 hours of waiting in our lives.
After getting of the phone with the nurse I started having some mild cramping and I had not stopped bleeding (although it had lessened) since the day before.
I don't know what to think. Most of me knows this pregnancy is not viable- but part of me wants to hold out hope that it is.
November 16th 2010
Upon calling the doctor the nurse seemed very confused by my story.
"It just doesn't make any sense to have that much bleeding and still be pregnant" the nurse said. "I know," I stated, "but that's what happened."
A negative test, a period, and then a positive test right after my period ended. That's what happened. I could tell she didn't believe me.
She told me to go to the hospital after work and get a beta (blood test for pregnancy) to confirm that I'm "even pregnant." I wanted to scream, "listen lady I know how to pee on the stick!"
I went about my work nervous, and starting to get excited, about what was potentially happening. I went into a meeting about noon and around 1:30pm starting having horrible cramps.
Oh, no.
I went to the bathroom- blood.
I left work, called Fred, and rushed to the hospital. I called my doctors office on the way there and they told me to get the blood test and then go home and rest. "We don't even know you're pregnant," the nurse said, "it is unlikely that you are."
I did what the nurse said and went home to 6 hours of terrible cramping. I was doubled over, huffing and puffing- the pain was horrible.
This just isn't right. I'm losing this baby and I haven't even had a chance to be happy that I'm pregnant...
"It just doesn't make any sense to have that much bleeding and still be pregnant" the nurse said. "I know," I stated, "but that's what happened."
A negative test, a period, and then a positive test right after my period ended. That's what happened. I could tell she didn't believe me.
She told me to go to the hospital after work and get a beta (blood test for pregnancy) to confirm that I'm "even pregnant." I wanted to scream, "listen lady I know how to pee on the stick!"
I went about my work nervous, and starting to get excited, about what was potentially happening. I went into a meeting about noon and around 1:30pm starting having horrible cramps.
Oh, no.
I went to the bathroom- blood.
I left work, called Fred, and rushed to the hospital. I called my doctors office on the way there and they told me to get the blood test and then go home and rest. "We don't even know you're pregnant," the nurse said, "it is unlikely that you are."
I did what the nurse said and went home to 6 hours of terrible cramping. I was doubled over, huffing and puffing- the pain was horrible.
This just isn't right. I'm losing this baby and I haven't even had a chance to be happy that I'm pregnant...
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