December 4th 2011

Week 6
: )

This week was our first prenatal appointment and ultrasound. Everything looked normal and we saw baby's heartbeat!

Pregnancy symptoms: Whoa boy! This baby is definitely making his or her presence known this week! And I have not been feeling well at all- nausea, vomiting, exhaustion, extremely sore breast, bloating and I'm hungry like all. the. time. But when I eat, I feel sick!
How far along: 6 weeks 6 days
How big is baby? The size of a lentil bean
Weight gain/loss? No loss, no gain- although with the way I've been eating this week...we'll see what next week brings...have a feeling a pound or two is in my near future (sigh)
Stretch marks: None yet
Maternity clothes: Not yet
Sleep: Pretty good, in fact I'd like to do it all the time lol!
Food cravings/aversions: Starbust candies. Other than that I'm not craving anything in particular I just want food...I feel better when I eat...dangerous I know.... Unless its seafood- super ick!
Gender: Don't know yet and honestly no predictions here!
Movement: Too early
Belly button? Still there, and surrounded by plenty of bloat! yay!
What are you looking forward to this week: I'm looking forward to some of these new symptoms lessening...maybe? please? and of course baby staying safe and sound for another week...and longer.

November 26th 2011

Week 5

This week I've hardly felt pregnant. Its odd- I go through the day and although I know that I am, sometimes I forget! I know some of that is my mind protecting itself since the miscarriages but I also don't feel pregnant yet. My symptoms aren't too bad and I can say I feel better in general this time then I did last time (perhaps due to the weight loss). I just keep thinking about how early it still is and how we are trying not to get our hopes up.

My cousin from New York called a few days ago, his wife is 6 weeks pregnant and is due July 11th. It was so hard for me not to yell "me too! me too!" and share with him that his little one may have a playmate and cousin born about a week or two after him/her. But, I didn't for a few reasons. One, I want he and his wife to have that special time of telling everyone and having everyone happy for them- I would never want to take that away from them. Two, we are firm in our decision this time not to tell anyone outside of our immediate family and two closest friends until the pregnancy reaches a safer point. And we feel so strongly that this is the right thing to do, that while it was hard on one hand it wasn't hard at all at the same time.

Pregnancy symptoms: Breast tenderness, less and less cramping, fatigue. My stomach is pretty touchy although my appetite has ramped up though, I swear my stomach is constantly growling!

How far along: 5 weeks 5 days

How big is baby? Still the size of a sesame seed

Weight gain/loss? No loss and no gain

Stretch marks: No

Maternity clothes: Nope

Sleep: Having some crazy-ass dreams! One involved my friend getting arrested, another involved my husband having an affair, plenty have been about having a miscarriage (these are so sad) and the most recent one I was a saloon girl in the wild west! The dreams are so vivid - must mean I'm getting more REM sleep, maybe?

Food cravings/aversions: Seafood still smells awful! Fred ordered clam chowder soup at a restaurant yesterday and it was ALL I could smell! ick! No particular aversions or cravings most of the time, I crave stuff I usually crave. I am hungry a bit more often and my stomach hardly ever growled before and now its constantly noisy lol!

Gender: No idea

Movement: Too early for that

Belly button? Still there

What are you looking forward to this week: Friday is my first prenatal appointment. Hopefully we'll get to see the heartbeat and I'll have a due date confirmed. Keeping our fingers crossed that all goes well. I'm excited and very nervous.

November 13, 2011

0 weeks 3 weeks 6 days

I'm so hesitant to even post photos or stats at this point...and obviously after the miscarriages I didn't even bother to take a "before" photo. As you can see there is not a lot of difference. I'm slightly bloated but not much has changed. I have, however, decided not to cover-up my bruises. This is my reality with the Lovenox shots. They hurt, they bruise and I've been dealing with them for 14 months now...

November 19, 2011

Week 4

Pregnancy symptoms: Breast tenderness- not nearly as painful as before, very mild cramping- also not nearly as painful as before, a touchy stomach, fatigue and breast "changes." I've been getting strange cramps in my feet every night before bed...hope those get lost! Ouch!

How far along: 4 weeks 5 days

How big is baby? The size of a sesame seed (is it sad I know this by heart by now...)

Weight gain/loss? I'm 15 lbs lighter than when I got pregnant last time (I've lost 20 all together since summer) but since the positive test I've stayed the same; no loss and no gain

Stretch marks: None from pregnancy

Maternity clothes: Nope

Sleep: Its been ok, I wake up once or twice a night to use the bathroom but aside from that it's been fine.

Food cravings/aversions: Seafood smells awful! And I did have one night where I couldn't keep much down...aside from that my appetite has been pretty normal. No particular aversions or cravings most of the time.

Gender: No idea...and we don't care either way to be honest - we really do just want a healthy baby that makes it to term!!!

Movement: Way too early for that

Belly button? Still there

What are you looking forward to this week: This is going to sound really sad but its also true. I'm looking forward to making it to the next week without losing our baby. I think this will be my hope each week for the next several months...

My first ultrasound is in two weeks. Fred and my mother can't come, so my friend is joining me. She's never seen an ultrasound before and I want someone close to me there. I am so terrified of something being wrong. It's feels so sad to have a pregnancy filled with denial and fear instead of hope and elation. This is the main reason we are telling practically no-one until the 14 week mark; if we can help it anyway. Part of us wants to act as if it isn't happening until its "safe" to be excited.

Only time will tell.

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure. But the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing" -Unknown

November 12, 2011

Third month a charm?

I guess for us IT IS!!!!!

Having some mild symptoms this week...took a test last night and had a faint POSITIVE : )

I am only 3 weeks 5 days pregnant- so I am beyond early...but it looks like we're heading down the road for the third time...I had just come back from dinner with my friend Courtney and knew I had a test in the bottom drawer of the bathroom cabinet. I know it will be negative, I thought, it's way too early to test....but what the hell? Well, I guess I was wrong! I texted hubby and the next morning we confirmed with a second test!

I feel so different this time. I got butterflies in my stomach last night and they instantly turned to fear. I am SO nervous that I don't even want to think about the fact that I am pregnant. I want to ignore it until I know for sure my heart won't get broken open again. Yet, I haven't stopped smiling at the same time...

Tomorrow I'll start the progesterone supplements (not looking forward to that) and Monday I will call my doctor.

Here we go again...hope and faith don't fail us now...a heart can only take so much...

"Most of the important things in this world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying even when there seemed to be no hope at all."

-Dale Carnegie

October 18, 2011

Nada this month too. Disappointed and tired.

My head knows two months is nothing....my heart aches for the next positive pregnancy test.

And again, on to next month...

September 12, 2011

I could have swore I was pregnant. Having some symptoms but not sure if it is simply my body returning back to a normal cycle.

Either way...I kinda feel like I did when I was pregnant...

Hmmm.
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September 19th, 2011

Not pregnant. Official sign came early this morning....and on to next month.

August 25th 2011

I feel lucky to have such an amazing doctor. This man truly is one of the most incredible people I have ever met. He has this ability to make me, ME of all people, feel like everything is going to be ok.

After our second pre-pregnancy consult I left feeling hopeful, and at the very least content, about the future. We went for this second consultation to get the docs perspectives on our two miscarriages and also to get his advice on where we should go from here.

In a nutshell he stated that the first loss doesn't concern him much. It is sad and a loss but very, very common and a typical blighted ovum. The doctor stated that most women experience this type of loss at least once in their lifetimes and never even know that they were pregnant.

The second loss, however, concerned the doctor a bit more. We saw a strong heartbeat and all lab tests (as well as my protein s activitiy level) indicated this was a very strong and sustainable pregnancy. So, my doctor was as stunned as we were when things went wrong. However, after having read a great deal about lutenal phase defect I asked him what he thought about this. And, he smiled and said he agrees that this is very likely the cause of my issues. Another reason I love this doctor, we are on the exact same page 99% of the time. In any event, he explained that while articles will say this diagnosis is achieved through an easy blood test, it is actually a very difficult problem to accurately test for. So, he's decided to treat me as if I have the defect and go from there.

I thought after all of that loss the last thing I would want to do is think about getting pregnant again. But, to be honest, when you're really ready to have a baby (at least for me) few things can deter you from that wanting. I guess this is what that tick, tick, tick of the biological clock feels like. We want to be parents and bring a child into our family. We want our love to grow in the special way creating a child allows it to. We hope that a child is in store for us and we've decided we're going to give it another try.

So for now, Fred and I have "our homework" to do- as the doctor said. lol!