May 7th 2011

POSITIVE!!! POSITIVE!!! POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!!!!

If it was negative on Wednesday when my beta was at a 7...and now it is positive...it can only mean...the numbers are going UP!!!!

Fred and I can't stop smiling. Although we are still a bit apprehensive.

The repeat beta in three days will tell us the most important thing, if the pregnancy is looking viable. And I am still having some scary cramping similar to when I miscarried before (this actually has us a LOT worried...).

BUT, the cramps are not constant- they've been decreasing every day. And most importantly they have not been accompanied by bleeding...the biggest "uh, oh" sign.

We're optimistic that this is it!! Cautiously optimistic. We have agreed that for now, and until the beta keeps rising (as we are hoping it will) we are only going to tell my mother.

I can't believe this is actually happening...the night before Mother's Day I'm finding out I may just be a Mother soon!!! I'm on cloud nine. And even if this ends sadly, I'm going to take the feeling I have now and cherish it. A miracle has happened again and I have to have faith that this time it is meant to be.

May 6th 2011

What a difference a week can make. So, today I am officially 6 days late for my period. I tested negative on two home tests two days ago but had a very low positive on the hCG blood test.

The nurse fears it is a chemical pregnancy, as the numbers are too low for what would be expected at 4 weeks pregnant. However, when I look the numbers up online it says that it is perfectly normal to have very low beta numbers at 3-4 weeks pregnant in some women. Part of me wants to be excited but the other part of me remembers the nurses warning "it is very unlikely you are experiencing a viable pregnancy..."

Please don't tell me I am going to miscarry...again...

All I can do is wait and repeat the beta in a week, the nurse instructed. And if in the mean time my period comes then I don't need to bother.

I can't be excited. I can't be disappointed.

I have to just wait and see what happens.

April 22, 2011

For Christ Sakes!!! I swear I thought I was broken...and I also swear my body is literally trying to drive me to the nut house!

So, for the three months my ovulation has been predictable- day 17 of my cycle, next month- day 17, next month...day 17! Ok, now I got it down! My temperature long ago quit being an accurate indicator- it is slowly coming back to normal but it is just not what it was before the miscarriage...

So this month- the 17th day of my cycle rolls around- negative ovulation kit, 18th- negative again (huh?), 19th-negative (what the heck?), 20th-negative (are you f*cking kidding me!?!?)

At this point I'm in a panic- ok I was panicking by day 18th but whose counting? I'm thinking, not only do I have to do these shots twice a day and not only has this miscarriage obliterated any predictability in my cycle...but don't tell me I am now NOT OVULATING!!! That optimism went right out the window with that though!

Then, like the relief of A/C on a 90 degree July day- the ovulation kit came back positive on day 22.

WHAT A RELIEF!!!

All this tells me is that my body is not as predictable as I thought and I need to watch the "signs" a bit more closely than I have been...I need to expect the unexpected...when all we're really trying to do is get to the "expecting" part!

April 11, 2011

Yep. Not pregnant. Not surprised.

Enjoying being just us two...but as the news of more and more "mom and dad's to be" pile in...I'm getting a little irritated. I'm not horribly depressed or sad like I was...but lately I have having some pretty bad reactions and injection-site pain from the Lovenox shots.

It just kinda sucks- I'm black and blue all over and in a lot of pain.

But, patience is a virtue and I'm working on it. Boy am I working on it....but its not easy.

March 28, 2011

Well true to my intentions I am much less anxious and worried this month. I am also fairly certain I am not pregnant. No steady temperature increase or any other signs of pregnancy. Although as Fred said it best, "I'm not even guessing anymore, last month you had a ton of signs and nada...this month no signs so you probably are!" LOL!

It's ok though. I'm happy and a lot is going right in my life right now so its hard to be upset. We are almost completely out of credit card debt. Work is going wonderfully and I am getting so much positive feedback. I feel good about myself and lately I have felt..as silly as it sounds...pretty for the first time in awhile. Maybe its the coming of spring or the extra sunlight we've been getting. I don't know. Something inside me is just calmer...when I'm ready to be a mother I will be. We know from our miscarriage experience that everything is working right and pregnancy is possible, so in that regard we are relived. And until the day comes where we get another positive test I'm just going to enjoy being well...just us two.

March 21st 2011

I am beginning to realize that I need to let go. I've said this before and last month I thought I had let go...I hadn't. All I can do is continue to chart and we can make sure we hit our optimum timing (which we have been...and yes I KNOW we have been) and whatever happens from there is out of our hands.

I can honestly say I haven't thought that much about being pregnant this month. I don't know if the arrival of Spring has me distracted, or simply has me giddy at the warmer temps, but either way I just feel good. I'm trying to relish in all the things that I have right now (that I may not have when pregnancy and baby come- if they ever do). Free time. Alone time. Romantic time with my hubby. A cosmopolitan. A flat (well relatively flat) stomach. Feet that are NOT swollen...etc.


I'm resolving to go about my life like I always have been (by now the charting and shots are so much a part of my daily routine I hardly notice anymore...) and whatever happens and whenever it happens will be.


And who knows maybe this month will bring some good news. Or maybe it won't. Either way I just want to be happy and not worry about it. Some things in life are not meant to be controlled or planned- some things are just meant to happen when they happen. My body is finally back to its normal cycle after the miscarriage- it took 4 cycles actually, not 2...and hormonally I am back on track. I know that I am ovulating...so I know I have nothing to worry about...I just have to let it be. I'm healthy and that is the most important thing- for me, hubby and any future baby.

I hope I can continue to think and feel this way.

March 5th 2011

I'm not pregnant.

I'm not happy.

I'm so sick of the rollarcoaster.

I have nothing more to say.