After a few days of reflection, reading, and a fair share of pain (emotionally and physically) I've found out that two miscarriages back-to-back is really very common. Not that it makes anything about them easier...but at least I'm more informed than I was.
Many pregnancies are complicated by blood clots. Women with clotting disorders alone have a 38% chance of miscarriage ("normal" women have about a 20% chance). Additionally, women with autoimmune disorders are at a greater risk of miscarriage...I have both and when you do the math...this is not all that shocking that this happened again considering my conditions.
Granted my conditions are under control and all of my levels in this pregnancy were great. In fact after a heartbeat is detected the chances of miscarriage drop to 5-10%...and in this case I fell in that 5-10%.
While knowledge is power and I'm beginning to understand that as horrible as this is, it is not rare by any means. It still doesn't mean that tiny baby whose heart I watched beating only 4 days ago does not flash into my mind every hour. I think about what went wrong and I also think about when and where I'll be with this pregnancy finally passes. I'm not worried about the pain, but I am worried I will be in the car, or at work, or somewhere terrible when it finally happens. My doctors seems certain I do not need a D&C but until my beta levels are back down to normal I will be worried.
We are devastated but at the same time I have a certain calm about me that I didn't have during the first loss. A part of me feels angry and frustrated and depressed and another part of me realizes it just wasn't meant to be. This pregnancy has taught me to let go, stop trying to control everything and most importantly not to get so caught up in planning the future and looking too far ahead.
What is also helping me is the support of family and friends but most of all my husband. I have the perfect mate for me, and not many people can honestly say that. He is loving, caring, compassionate, hard-working, self-sacrificing and simply amazing. He adores me, he takes care of me and I say without one ounce of hesitation that I would rather be childless with him than have children without him. He is my world and my love and my best friend.
As sickening as this may sound it is all so very true. We have something amazing and special and if the rest of our lives are a struggle, at least we'll struggle together....because a horrible day with him is better than the best day without him.
I still cry every day and I assume I will for awhile. I hold the onsies we bought and think about the tiny baby they were meant for. I wonder if it was really a boy or a little girl? I wonder if it had my eyes and Fred's smile. I wonder if it suffered, eventhough I know that's not really possible. But mostly I think about holding that tiny baby in my hands and whispering "I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you. But please know I loved you, I loved you with all of my heart."
Lincoln
June 8 2011
8 weeks, 4 days pregnant- Baby "L" leaves us.I knew it was coming. The last three days have been more than a rollarcoaster. Monday, going in for what we thought was a "bad news" ultrasound, Baby L was still kicking- much more developed than the last time we saw him and the heartbeat was beautiful- 176 bpm.
However, the doctor warned me that the bleeding and cramping was not a good sign. I also had first trimester Oligo- a condition where there is not enough amniotic fluid in the gestational sac. This condition can often correct itself or lead to a miscarriage...I just knew in my heart (although I didn't want to) that it would be the latter.
I was ordered on strict bedrest and Tuesday evening starting having contractions and bleeding heavily. I knew it was the end. Today, an ultrasound confirmed what I already knew. The baby was gone- there was no heartbeat.
Where do we go from here? Two miscarriages in less than 7 months...maybe this is a test, or maybe parenthood just isn't meant to be for us...I wish I could scream out to someone and get an answer! Why is this happening again? We did everything right...and everything was going perfect. Why can't anything ever just be easy! I see women all the time with children who smoke, drink and eat crap the entire time they are pregnant. I see women who have all these "accidents" running around and seem to resent more than love them...and they get to be mothers...its just not right and its not fair.
But then again I learned a long time ago that nothing about life is fair.
Maybe there will be hope again one day...or maybe we will decide that this is just not meant to be.
June 5th 2011
After the struggles with my father, my health battles, his death and my miscarriage last fall I am used to life throwing curve balls and I realize a few hours can change your life forever. Although, somehow when tragedy strikes its still unexpected. Maybe its optimism or maybe its the saying that "people get what they deserve." Well, when you reach the point where you've had so many loses in your life and so much heartache- you realize the truth. There is no "what people deserve" and there is no "supposed to" - life is a series of events without rhyme and without reason. People like to say "things happen for a reason" but it is no coincidence that when people say that they are either explaining something wonderful that has happened or trying to reason through something horrible that has happened. No person really knows what tomorrow holds and that's the truth of it.
Maybe this is where prayer comes in and faith. Trusting that no matter what tomorrow brings it is part of a larger plan, part of something bigger than yourself. I wish I had an easier time believing that.
Because right now I can't seem to feel or believe anything anymore...I'm completely numb.
Friday I had just got done texting a friend about how well my pregnancy was going. I was feeling good for the most part- aside from being tired and having to continue the lovenox shots I was fine. Then, almost as soon as I sent the text things started to go wrong. Now, two days later, with things progressing, the doctors seem fairly certain I am having a miscarriage.........again.
We are going into the office in the morning for an ultrasound to confirm what I already believe will be true...we're losing another baby. And this time there was time to be excited, there was time to daydream and tell our friends and family. There were clothes that we bought because we had hope, this time we had so much hope. This time it will not be a mysterious series of numbers dropping but the absence of that beautiful heartbeat. The absence of life...
The doctor tells me that once a strong heartbeat is detected there is a less than 5% chance of miscarriage. Well, those numbers mean nothing to a girl with four extremely rare genetic conditions. Those numbers mean nothing to the girl whose father cheated death a dozen times while she stood at his bedside.
There are no statistics that make sense. There is no "supposed to." There just is what is...and the awful waiting for what is to be confirmed. I know in my heart it will not be good news but a small part of me keeps seeing that heartbeat in the back of my mind...and a small part of my mind keeps whispering "don't count me out yet."
Is that voice the voice of my baby...or is it my own voice....I cannot tell.
Maybe this is where prayer comes in and faith. Trusting that no matter what tomorrow brings it is part of a larger plan, part of something bigger than yourself. I wish I had an easier time believing that.
Because right now I can't seem to feel or believe anything anymore...I'm completely numb.
Friday I had just got done texting a friend about how well my pregnancy was going. I was feeling good for the most part- aside from being tired and having to continue the lovenox shots I was fine. Then, almost as soon as I sent the text things started to go wrong. Now, two days later, with things progressing, the doctors seem fairly certain I am having a miscarriage.........again.
We are going into the office in the morning for an ultrasound to confirm what I already believe will be true...we're losing another baby. And this time there was time to be excited, there was time to daydream and tell our friends and family. There were clothes that we bought because we had hope, this time we had so much hope. This time it will not be a mysterious series of numbers dropping but the absence of that beautiful heartbeat. The absence of life...
The doctor tells me that once a strong heartbeat is detected there is a less than 5% chance of miscarriage. Well, those numbers mean nothing to a girl with four extremely rare genetic conditions. Those numbers mean nothing to the girl whose father cheated death a dozen times while she stood at his bedside.
There are no statistics that make sense. There is no "supposed to." There just is what is...and the awful waiting for what is to be confirmed. I know in my heart it will not be good news but a small part of me keeps seeing that heartbeat in the back of my mind...and a small part of my mind keeps whispering "don't count me out yet."
Is that voice the voice of my baby...or is it my own voice....I cannot tell.
June 1st 2010
Week 7 has definitely been an interesting one. I have hit the exhaustion overload everyone always talks about. And to be honest I am quite cranky. Some days are still better than others but most days I'm over it by 3pm.
Other than the fatigue, I still feel pretty good overall physically. I had some very scary cramping on Sunday that had me worried- but it has subsided and not returned.
Unfortunately, we found out that our boat is not as enjoyable for me as it was pre-preg. Not only do I no longer have my "sea-legs" but the rocking of the boat makes me a little queasy. I lasted about two hours and we needed to head in. I am hoping that an outing on a calmer lake will be much better.
My test results are back in from last week and everything looks pretty good. My vitamin D levels are still very low, so I've had to double my supplement intake. Also, the !#$&ing hospital lab ran the wrong test for my Protein S levels (they ran a resting level not an activity level) so no doubt I'll need to re-peat that test soon. That is the second test they have ran incorrectly in the past month...glad my insurance company is paying for crap it doesn't need to!
But, I'm glad most of my tests came back good.
WEEK 7
Pregnancy symptoms: Breast tenderness has gotten a little better, mild cramping, I'm pretty crabby this week, and boy am I tired!
How far along?: 7w5d
How big is baby?: The size of a blueberry!
Weight gain/loss?: -2 lbs; no doubt from eating healthier and Fred and I have been walking a mile almost every night.
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Not yet.
Sleep?: Waking up about once a night, sleep has been good.
Food cravings?: Salty foods. Chips, nuts and crackers (I can't eat most crackers but the other day I thought I would kill for some Townhouse crackers!)
Gender?: No idea; I've picked up Fred's "bad" habit of calling the baby a "he." Watch all along we'll have been calling our daughter a "he" lol!
Movement?: Not yet.
Belly button?: Still there. I keep wondering how far along I'll be when I start showing...I know I have a ways to go but part of me wants to see the baby bump so bad!
What are you looking forward to this week?: Our second prenatal appointment and hitting that 8 week mark.
Other than the fatigue, I still feel pretty good overall physically. I had some very scary cramping on Sunday that had me worried- but it has subsided and not returned.
Unfortunately, we found out that our boat is not as enjoyable for me as it was pre-preg. Not only do I no longer have my "sea-legs" but the rocking of the boat makes me a little queasy. I lasted about two hours and we needed to head in. I am hoping that an outing on a calmer lake will be much better.
My test results are back in from last week and everything looks pretty good. My vitamin D levels are still very low, so I've had to double my supplement intake. Also, the !#$&ing hospital lab ran the wrong test for my Protein S levels (they ran a resting level not an activity level) so no doubt I'll need to re-peat that test soon. That is the second test they have ran incorrectly in the past month...glad my insurance company is paying for crap it doesn't need to!
But, I'm glad most of my tests came back good.
WEEK 7
Pregnancy symptoms: Breast tenderness has gotten a little better, mild cramping, I'm pretty crabby this week, and boy am I tired!
How far along?: 7w5d
How big is baby?: The size of a blueberry!
Weight gain/loss?: -2 lbs; no doubt from eating healthier and Fred and I have been walking a mile almost every night.
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Not yet.
Sleep?: Waking up about once a night, sleep has been good.
Food cravings?: Salty foods. Chips, nuts and crackers (I can't eat most crackers but the other day I thought I would kill for some Townhouse crackers!)
Gender?: No idea; I've picked up Fred's "bad" habit of calling the baby a "he." Watch all along we'll have been calling our daughter a "he" lol!
Movement?: Not yet.
Belly button?: Still there. I keep wondering how far along I'll be when I start showing...I know I have a ways to go but part of me wants to see the baby bump so bad!
What are you looking forward to this week?: Our second prenatal appointment and hitting that 8 week mark.
May 29th 2011
Who to tell and when?
Yesterday was a hard day. First a friend of ours unintentionally (although we could argue the true differences between unintentional and just being a little dense about things...) let the cat out of the bag to another friend. And a few more people, that we intended to tell at a later date, "somehow" found out about the pregnancy. And to be honest I was a little pissed.
I know deep down the main reason people blab is because they are happy for use and everyone has this deep desire to share happy or shocking news most of the time. Especially women- they like to gossip. And even women that pride themselves on not gossiping seem to have a hard time keeping the baby news under-wraps.
However, in these instances I feel the particular blabbing could have been avoided. Part of me was pissed, the other part of me was hurt and the other part of me questioned whether we've just told so many people - should we now just let everyone (sans many people at my work) know? I am still only 7w2d - very early by any standards and while things are going wonderfully so far...I'm still a little apprehensive.
I also feel though that mis-carriage is treated like some secret shame and people don't talk about it as openly and freely as maybe they'd like to. It is such a common, common occurrence that maybe actually being open about it would reduce some of the shame...and at the very least make many women feel they are not alone in the struggle and the heartache.
My sister-in-law experienced 6 mis-carriages in 6 years and was never able to carry a baby past the first trimester. My grandmother, aunt, friend and four co-workers have all experienced mis-carriage. Many of them have children by now, and one does not. In fact it is estimated that many women experience at least one or two mis-carriages in their lifetimes and were never aware they were even pregnant.
As yesterday wore on I struggled with these thoughts in my head. I called my mom and we talked, I broke down crying like a baby because I'm just so frightened. I'm scared I'll develop a blood clot, I'm scared I'll mis-carry again, I'm scared the baby will have something wrong with him/her, I'm scared I'll freeze like an idiot and not know how to take care of the baby. I'm scared this will drastically interfere with work and my marriage. But, mainly I'm just scared because I am so deeply invested in this pregnancy and I want more than anything to see it through. And Fred feels the same way.
Maybe we'll send an e-mail out next weekend once I've hit the 8 week mark...we're still undecided...I have another appointment June 8th...maybe we'll wait until then....I just don't know right now and honestly I don't really want to think about it any more for now.
Yesterday was a hard day. First a friend of ours unintentionally (although we could argue the true differences between unintentional and just being a little dense about things...) let the cat out of the bag to another friend. And a few more people, that we intended to tell at a later date, "somehow" found out about the pregnancy. And to be honest I was a little pissed.
I know deep down the main reason people blab is because they are happy for use and everyone has this deep desire to share happy or shocking news most of the time. Especially women- they like to gossip. And even women that pride themselves on not gossiping seem to have a hard time keeping the baby news under-wraps.
However, in these instances I feel the particular blabbing could have been avoided. Part of me was pissed, the other part of me was hurt and the other part of me questioned whether we've just told so many people - should we now just let everyone (sans many people at my work) know? I am still only 7w2d - very early by any standards and while things are going wonderfully so far...I'm still a little apprehensive.
I also feel though that mis-carriage is treated like some secret shame and people don't talk about it as openly and freely as maybe they'd like to. It is such a common, common occurrence that maybe actually being open about it would reduce some of the shame...and at the very least make many women feel they are not alone in the struggle and the heartache.
My sister-in-law experienced 6 mis-carriages in 6 years and was never able to carry a baby past the first trimester. My grandmother, aunt, friend and four co-workers have all experienced mis-carriage. Many of them have children by now, and one does not. In fact it is estimated that many women experience at least one or two mis-carriages in their lifetimes and were never aware they were even pregnant.
As yesterday wore on I struggled with these thoughts in my head. I called my mom and we talked, I broke down crying like a baby because I'm just so frightened. I'm scared I'll develop a blood clot, I'm scared I'll mis-carry again, I'm scared the baby will have something wrong with him/her, I'm scared I'll freeze like an idiot and not know how to take care of the baby. I'm scared this will drastically interfere with work and my marriage. But, mainly I'm just scared because I am so deeply invested in this pregnancy and I want more than anything to see it through. And Fred feels the same way.
Maybe we'll send an e-mail out next weekend once I've hit the 8 week mark...we're still undecided...I have another appointment June 8th...maybe we'll wait until then....I just don't know right now and honestly I don't really want to think about it any more for now.
May 25 2011
Half-way to the "safe mark"- time is flying by and moving at a snail pace at the same time. I just realized today is the 9 month anniversary of my father's death...I can't believe its been that long. But, at the same time I feel like its been longer than that. Time is a funny thing- it can heal and do so many wonderful things and it can also flash past in what seems like an instant!
Baby L's nose, mouth and ears are beginning to take shape. Right now he/she's eyes and nostrils are beginning to form. There are small depressions on the side of the head that will soon form into tiny ears. While Baby L is still about the size of a lentil bean, his/her heart is now beating 100 to 160 times a minute and blood is already coursing through his/her body. Intestine are developing and lung buds have now appeared.
WEEK 6:
Pregnancy symptoms: Still VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, appetite has increased, I'm more emotional, more frequent urination and the "extreme fatigue" has started to kick in...although not all days are like this. Some days I am kicking until 10pm, other days I crash as soon as I can...
How far along?: 6 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a lentil bean.
Weight gain/loss?: -1lb...although I'm sure this won't last long!
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Nope.
Sleep?: Waking up about once a night now...sleep is getting deeper and better.
Food cravings?: An increase in my general appetite and a slight preference for salty foods and a slight aversion to dairy...yes, even ice cream!
Gender?: No idea!
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there.
What are you looking forward to this week?: My second prenatal labs coming back stellar!
Baby L's nose, mouth and ears are beginning to take shape. Right now he/she's eyes and nostrils are beginning to form. There are small depressions on the side of the head that will soon form into tiny ears. While Baby L is still about the size of a lentil bean, his/her heart is now beating 100 to 160 times a minute and blood is already coursing through his/her body. Intestine are developing and lung buds have now appeared.
WEEK 6:
Pregnancy symptoms: Still VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, appetite has increased, I'm more emotional, more frequent urination and the "extreme fatigue" has started to kick in...although not all days are like this. Some days I am kicking until 10pm, other days I crash as soon as I can...
How far along?: 6 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a lentil bean.
Weight gain/loss?: -1lb...although I'm sure this won't last long!
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Nope.
Sleep?: Waking up about once a night now...sleep is getting deeper and better.
Food cravings?: An increase in my general appetite and a slight preference for salty foods and a slight aversion to dairy...yes, even ice cream!
Gender?: No idea!
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there.
What are you looking forward to this week?: My second prenatal labs coming back stellar!
May 19 2011
This week Baby L has graduated from the size of an orange seed to a lentil bean. Baby L has progressed from looking like a ball of beating cells to a tiny tadpole equipped with eye and nose bundles, arm and leg buds and most importantly a beating heart!
I had my first moment of freaking out last night. I just feel overwhelmed. I'm very, very happy but this is probably the scariest thing ever! I mean - it should be scary, it is the hardest thing your body, wallet and marriage will ever go through. I am mostly ecstatic but a small part of me is a little panicked and frightened. I think most first time parents feel this way. And if they don't they're NUTS!!!
WEEK 5:
Pregnancy symptoms: Still VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, appetite has increased, I'm more emotional, more frequent urination and fatigue. This was the first week where I felt distinctly different than typical PMS stuff...
How far along?: 5 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a lentil bean.
Weight gain/loss?: No gain, no loss
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Nope although some pants are already becoming less comfortable (sigh)
Sleep?: Waking up about twice a night to pee...but sleep is better than last week.
Food cravings?: No cravings just an increase in my general appetite and I am trying very, very hard not to give in to it...at least not every day...
Gender?: Mom says a strong heart means a girl according to an old wives tale...but we seriously have no idea!
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there.
What are you looking forward to this week?: Hearing that my protein S activity level is going back up! (fingers and toes crossed!)
I had my first moment of freaking out last night. I just feel overwhelmed. I'm very, very happy but this is probably the scariest thing ever! I mean - it should be scary, it is the hardest thing your body, wallet and marriage will ever go through. I am mostly ecstatic but a small part of me is a little panicked and frightened. I think most first time parents feel this way. And if they don't they're NUTS!!!
WEEK 5:
Pregnancy symptoms: Still VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, appetite has increased, I'm more emotional, more frequent urination and fatigue. This was the first week where I felt distinctly different than typical PMS stuff...
How far along?: 5 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a lentil bean.
Weight gain/loss?: No gain, no loss
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Nope although some pants are already becoming less comfortable (sigh)
Sleep?: Waking up about twice a night to pee...but sleep is better than last week.
Food cravings?: No cravings just an increase in my general appetite and I am trying very, very hard not to give in to it...at least not every day...
Gender?: Mom says a strong heart means a girl according to an old wives tale...but we seriously have no idea!
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there.
What are you looking forward to this week?: Hearing that my protein S activity level is going back up! (fingers and toes crossed!)
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