I was following the blog today of a women who is having her tenth, yes 10th child. She is 4 months along and already in maternity clothes and has gained 25 lbs. Holy crap! She looked adorable though! She lives on a sprawling ranch in Washington State and designs children's clothes from home.
How different her life is from mine, I thought. I don't think I can even imagine having 10 children- two would be the absolute TOPS for me. Yet, she looked beautiful and happy and content. But, there is one thing we have in common- this pregnancy for me, and all of her's have had their share of nausea! She is toting that she has only puked three times- well honey I got you beat at 5!
This week was a particularly difficult week for me-as I describe in my last post....
Pregnancy symptoms: As I said above, two-three days a week I am a wreak with nausea. I've found peppermint candies help and I munch on them all day at work. I left work Monday and came home and started getting sick....it seems that's happening about twice a week. It could be worse though, I know some women are sick every day of their first trimester. Other than that I am tired and my breasts are killing me- and that about sums it up.
How far along: 8 weeks 4 days
How big is baby? The size of a kidney bean
Weight gain/loss? -1 lb....I seemed to have let go of a lot of the bloat - yes! I'm sure being sick is partial to blame here too....
Stretch marks: hmmm...nope
Maternity clothes: No, although today was the first day I went into a store in the maternity section and looked at some stuff...up until now I haven't even let myself think about those things....
Sleep: Good.
Food cravings/aversions: I'm nauseated. Food makes me feel better....until its digested and then I'm nauseated again.
Gender: No idea- and I know pregnant women say this all the time. I don't care. I want healthy...and smart!!! And that is really all that matters to me! That's all that should matter really....
Movement: No, but I can't wait!
Belly button? Still there
What are you looking forward to this week: I am looking forward to reaching that 14 week mark and knowing I am into the second trimester. Then I will "allow" myself to be overjoyed and to start making plans....until then, I am afraid, I will be cautious and guarded.
This same women, the one with the ten babies, mentioned in her blog that she doesn't understand why people do not tell others about a pregnancy for fear of a miscarriage. A baby is a spirit form the moment of conception, she says, and she said she would hope that others would still like her, love her and support her if she lost the baby.
No disrespect to her or her views, but she has clearly never had a miscarriage- let alone multiple miscarriages. It is not that you don't believe people will be there for you if you lose the baby or that you don't think the baby is a beautiful miracle from the moment you know of its existence. For me it is seeing and hearing the sadness and grief in others' eyes and voices when you tell them. It is saving some from experiencing the horror of that loss and saving them from feeling so deeply for you and wanting to do anything to make it better....when nothing anyone does or says can make it any better.
And it is saving yourself from the constant questions and "advice" when the pregnancy is still fragile and it may be painful to even hope. And most importantly it is saving you from having to tell person after person that you've lost yet another baby...and hearing the "why?" question that is both devastating and infuriating! Because one thing I found out really quick after my last miscarriage...people are really quick to spread the news of your pregnancy to others but are very tight-lipped with the news that you've miscarried. And, in fact, this is perhaps the time when people should speak up, so that you don't have to....because every time you have to say it...your heart is ripped open again. And that is why we are not telling until we're ready. And I feel so strongly that this is the right choice this time. I feel it with everything in me. And that has nothing to do with the amount of love I have for my baby or anyone else in our lives.
