If I'm not pregnant I will be very, very surprised- let's just put it that way...
Signs:
1) High basal body temperatures: higher than ever before (other than during my last pregnancy), for three days in a row.
2) Breast changes: (we'll leave it at that!)
3) Morning nausea: not vomiting and the nausea is manageable, but defiantly noticeable for the first three hours after I awake.
4) Changes to my eating habits: I have been so hungry but when I eat I fill up very, very quickly and can only consume about half the quantity I usually do. However, I am again hungry in about three or four hours. And I'm talking stomach actually growling, I will kill someone if I don't eat kind of hungry! Yet, according to the scale, my weight has stayed the same.
5) Mild cramping: Mild cramping and a feeling of "fullness" although this is something that happens prior to my period as well- so not sure if it is an actual sign.
So, I guess we'll wait and see. From my calculations we should be able to see a positive pregnancy test around March 6th if I am pregnant- eight days from now.
I am excited and very, very nervous. I don't want to be let down again, but more importantly, I don't want to loss another baby.
Lincoln
February 23, 2011
TWO LINES!!! We have a go!
So, I don't need to get into what that meant. But what I will say is that it was extremely, extremely emotional and scary. We're starting down that road again. The road to potential joy and success or the road to heartbreak. Its a coin toss...as any pregnancy is...
Since I'm past most of the grief from my miscarriage, I did decide to have a talk with my niece- we'll call her niece #1 (whom I just found out is pregnant with her second child and due in October) about my situation. She had a lot of difficulty conceiving her first child and she watched two of her sisters getting pregnant with ease during this time (one of whom is the niece who got pregnant the same time as me in October- we'll call her niece #2). Although niece #1's situation was different, we were able to share and bond. It was nice. It was nice not to feel so alone in the struggle. She had to endure once a day fertility shots and the constant body and temperature monitoring, so she knows the routine and can not only sympathize but empathize.
What I was not prepared for is the pictures I saw on Facebook this morning. Niece #2's ultrasound pictures...her baby is perfect and healthy and bigger than I thought it would be at this time. Although niece #2 is not finding out the sex of her baby, apparently we would have been finding out this week or next if we were having a baby boy or a little girl. My heart ached.
Now, we're back to the waiting game- we'll see if this month holds any promise. Either way I'm trying to be optimistic. And while I will love my great- niece or nephew dearly, the truth remains they will be a reminder of what would have been. But maybe that can be a beautiful thing. Maybe, if at least in our minds, we can see this baby grow and change and realize everything happens for a reason. Maybe we were meant to loss our first baby so that we can truly and hopelessly love and appreciate our future baby. Here's to hopeless optimism!
So, I don't need to get into what that meant. But what I will say is that it was extremely, extremely emotional and scary. We're starting down that road again. The road to potential joy and success or the road to heartbreak. Its a coin toss...as any pregnancy is...
Since I'm past most of the grief from my miscarriage, I did decide to have a talk with my niece- we'll call her niece #1 (whom I just found out is pregnant with her second child and due in October) about my situation. She had a lot of difficulty conceiving her first child and she watched two of her sisters getting pregnant with ease during this time (one of whom is the niece who got pregnant the same time as me in October- we'll call her niece #2). Although niece #1's situation was different, we were able to share and bond. It was nice. It was nice not to feel so alone in the struggle. She had to endure once a day fertility shots and the constant body and temperature monitoring, so she knows the routine and can not only sympathize but empathize.
What I was not prepared for is the pictures I saw on Facebook this morning. Niece #2's ultrasound pictures...her baby is perfect and healthy and bigger than I thought it would be at this time. Although niece #2 is not finding out the sex of her baby, apparently we would have been finding out this week or next if we were having a baby boy or a little girl. My heart ached.
Now, we're back to the waiting game- we'll see if this month holds any promise. Either way I'm trying to be optimistic. And while I will love my great- niece or nephew dearly, the truth remains they will be a reminder of what would have been. But maybe that can be a beautiful thing. Maybe, if at least in our minds, we can see this baby grow and change and realize everything happens for a reason. Maybe we were meant to loss our first baby so that we can truly and hopelessly love and appreciate our future baby. Here's to hopeless optimism!
February 17, 2011
I'm scared that I won't become pregnant this month. And I'm scared that I will. I feel like I'm going through this private struggle every month that goes by- and I feel like I'm doing it all alone. Yeah, yeah- I have friends and family and my husband to talk to- and they've been supportive. But, I still feel alone in some ways. Its me that has the 15 minute ritual each and every morning and its me that is most excited and then devastated when things don't go the way I wanted or wished they would.
Right about now all I wish is that we were one of those lucky couples that can just "stop preventing" and let nature take its course. One of those lucky couples that doesn't have to worry about working around all the bruises I have from needle sticks and temperature changes and everything else.
You know I sit and I think about the couples where it all comes so easily for them. I wonder if they really appreciate the ability they have to start a family in such a non-stressful way? I also wonder about the women who say they don't want kids. What if one day, you do? Are you sacrificing the ability to be one of "those" couples to one day have to be a couple like us?
And I say the following with no judgment, just an observation. My generation has focused more on getting an education and a career and a stable home life before having children, which I think is wonderful! But it is slightly ironic and somewhat cruel that doing those very things often takes women past the point of optimum fertility. And, even more cruel, studies show that couples who wait until their late twenties/early thirties to have children are actually better parents! Yet, they have the most difficulty getting pregnant...
Right about now all I wish is that we were one of those lucky couples that can just "stop preventing" and let nature take its course. One of those lucky couples that doesn't have to worry about working around all the bruises I have from needle sticks and temperature changes and everything else.
You know I sit and I think about the couples where it all comes so easily for them. I wonder if they really appreciate the ability they have to start a family in such a non-stressful way? I also wonder about the women who say they don't want kids. What if one day, you do? Are you sacrificing the ability to be one of "those" couples to one day have to be a couple like us?
And I say the following with no judgment, just an observation. My generation has focused more on getting an education and a career and a stable home life before having children, which I think is wonderful! But it is slightly ironic and somewhat cruel that doing those very things often takes women past the point of optimum fertility. And, even more cruel, studies show that couples who wait until their late twenties/early thirties to have children are actually better parents! Yet, they have the most difficulty getting pregnant...
February 6, 2011
6 months and counting. I'm in a better mood than my last post and I've realized one thing. If it seems like my posts are written by two different people...they have been. Hormonal me and regular me.
It seems this miscarriage has thrown my hormones for quite a little tail-spin. I am having PMS that rivals ANYTHING I've every experienced before...and it last about 12 freakin' days every month!
My poor husband.
I feel like this alien takes over my body and makes me hate everyone and everything I come into contact with. It doesn't matter what anybody says or does, its all an evil plot to make me feel more horrible than I already do.
Once the cloud lifts I look back at myself like, "What a crazy $!&*#!"
Dear Sweet Sweet Lord- do not let me be a basket case if/when I get pregnant. I really don't like being that way...and I'd really like to stay married and not tell all my friends and family to go to hell, they really don't deserve it...amen.
It seems this miscarriage has thrown my hormones for quite a little tail-spin. I am having PMS that rivals ANYTHING I've every experienced before...and it last about 12 freakin' days every month!
My poor husband.
I feel like this alien takes over my body and makes me hate everyone and everything I come into contact with. It doesn't matter what anybody says or does, its all an evil plot to make me feel more horrible than I already do.
Once the cloud lifts I look back at myself like, "What a crazy $!&*#!"
Dear Sweet Sweet Lord- do not let me be a basket case if/when I get pregnant. I really don't like being that way...and I'd really like to stay married and not tell all my friends and family to go to hell, they really don't deserve it...amen.
January 27th 2011
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Things have been much the same as they were in December. I'm still somewhat stressed- work has been very busy and no matter how much Fred and I try not to be, we still seem to be so busy all of the time at home too!
The hardest part of my mourning for my father has seemed to pass. I didn't quite realize what a depression I had fallen into until I felt the fog lift. Some time this month I just realized I was happier, calmer and the whole day would pass without me thinking of my father or the day I learned of his death flashing through my mind in one vivid horrific image or another. Don't get me wrong- I still thought (and think) of him often. When I pass his photo in our home I still whisper, "I love you" or "I miss you." But I seem to be adjusting to my life without him finally, after four very hard months.
My body, true to form, has decided that along with our new "venture" it would get a mind of its own and change course. My body has decided that although it has gone 18 years in a fairly consistent, predictable pattern- now (just to screw with me I think) it has decided to change course. So, what used to be predictable, and I mean like clock-work, is now unpredictable, varied and extremely frustrating. You ladies know what I mean!
The doctors told us after the mis-carriage we need to wait two natural cycles before we begin "trying" again. Well my cycles are no longer 28-32 days (like I've said before folks, if you can't handle the details, please leave this blog....) and are now WAY farther apart.
Great.
So, we decided to say "whatever!" We waiting one natural cycle and then decided to just let things happen more naturally. I'm still charting but we're just taking it easy, doing what we want when we feel like it and stop putting so much pressure on everything.
Don't get me wrong, I still would really like to get the show on the road. These shots are no picnic and the longer I am on them the worse it will be for my health in later life. And also, odd as it is to say it- it seems everyone is pregnant or having a baby around me...
And to be honest, my little clock is tick-tick-ticking! I know, barf right? And I swore I wasn't "that woman!" But seriously I don't think I've ever wanted something so much in my life. Its like this is what I am ready for and I know it. And trust me I find it very odd. I've always been the one "without a biological clock." I mean I've always loved children and babies but I've always thought pregnancy and certainly labor sound horrific and disgusting!
Well, I don't know how to explain it, but some time in the past year- and maybe since watching my aunt give birth- my thoughts have changed.
I don't believe there is a baby coming this month...who knows, maybe next month...just in time to be the ninth family member born in November? Just to be a Scorpio child to drive me nuts and be as stubborn and intense as its Mother?
Well, with the way my life has gone, I wouldn't be one bit surprised.
Things have been much the same as they were in December. I'm still somewhat stressed- work has been very busy and no matter how much Fred and I try not to be, we still seem to be so busy all of the time at home too!
The hardest part of my mourning for my father has seemed to pass. I didn't quite realize what a depression I had fallen into until I felt the fog lift. Some time this month I just realized I was happier, calmer and the whole day would pass without me thinking of my father or the day I learned of his death flashing through my mind in one vivid horrific image or another. Don't get me wrong- I still thought (and think) of him often. When I pass his photo in our home I still whisper, "I love you" or "I miss you." But I seem to be adjusting to my life without him finally, after four very hard months.
My body, true to form, has decided that along with our new "venture" it would get a mind of its own and change course. My body has decided that although it has gone 18 years in a fairly consistent, predictable pattern- now (just to screw with me I think) it has decided to change course. So, what used to be predictable, and I mean like clock-work, is now unpredictable, varied and extremely frustrating. You ladies know what I mean!
The doctors told us after the mis-carriage we need to wait two natural cycles before we begin "trying" again. Well my cycles are no longer 28-32 days (like I've said before folks, if you can't handle the details, please leave this blog....) and are now WAY farther apart.
Great.
So, we decided to say "whatever!" We waiting one natural cycle and then decided to just let things happen more naturally. I'm still charting but we're just taking it easy, doing what we want when we feel like it and stop putting so much pressure on everything.
Don't get me wrong, I still would really like to get the show on the road. These shots are no picnic and the longer I am on them the worse it will be for my health in later life. And also, odd as it is to say it- it seems everyone is pregnant or having a baby around me...
And to be honest, my little clock is tick-tick-ticking! I know, barf right? And I swore I wasn't "that woman!" But seriously I don't think I've ever wanted something so much in my life. Its like this is what I am ready for and I know it. And trust me I find it very odd. I've always been the one "without a biological clock." I mean I've always loved children and babies but I've always thought pregnancy and certainly labor sound horrific and disgusting!
Well, I don't know how to explain it, but some time in the past year- and maybe since watching my aunt give birth- my thoughts have changed.
I don't believe there is a baby coming this month...who knows, maybe next month...just in time to be the ninth family member born in November? Just to be a Scorpio child to drive me nuts and be as stubborn and intense as its Mother?
Well, with the way my life has gone, I wouldn't be one bit surprised.
December 22nd 2010
Well, it has been quite awhile since my last post. What have we been up to? A whole lot of nada!
We're waiting. And for this impatient girl, it has been torture.
We're waiting for my body to get back to normal. And its taking its good ole' sweet damn time!
Maybe that's a good thing. I've been super stressed lately, due to the Holidays and work- maybe its good to have some "time off" to just relax and remember what really matters.
2007 was a great year- we were married and madly in love (well we still are but you know what I mean)
2008 was awful- one health problem after another...
2009 was sweet!- I got a job I had been pining after for over a year...we bought a house and I finally got a new car!
2010 has been super sad- disappointments early in the year in some of our relationships, then of course losing my father and now the miscarriage.
Here's hoping 2011 will bring us the odd year luck we seem to have!!!
We're waiting. And for this impatient girl, it has been torture.
We're waiting for my body to get back to normal. And its taking its good ole' sweet damn time!
Maybe that's a good thing. I've been super stressed lately, due to the Holidays and work- maybe its good to have some "time off" to just relax and remember what really matters.
2007 was a great year- we were married and madly in love (well we still are but you know what I mean)
2008 was awful- one health problem after another...
2009 was sweet!- I got a job I had been pining after for over a year...we bought a house and I finally got a new car!
2010 has been super sad- disappointments early in the year in some of our relationships, then of course losing my father and now the miscarriage.
Here's hoping 2011 will bring us the odd year luck we seem to have!!!
November 26th 2010
Although this Thanksgiving there were things to be thankful for I found myself holding back tears while eating my turkey.
After getting to Fred's sisters and saying hello to everyone, and trading birthday gifts with his mother and sisters (we all have birthdays within a one month span) I was starting to feel a bit more at ease. I had a horrible night before Thanksgiving and was in a very dark place...
Then, Fred's niece comes bouncing in ecstatic - she and her husband are pregnant with their second child! She is six weeks along and due...exactly when I would have been...awesome. Now, of course she doesn't know what I am going through and couldn't possibly have imagined her good news would send a dagger right through my heart. If she had known, I am positive she would have been a bit more discrete. And I am happy for her. I care about and love her and her family and want her happy. It is just that the timing (at least for us) couldn't have been worse.
I fought back tears and offered my congratulations- I don't want to diminish her happiness with my pain. That is selfish and I refuse to be selfish. She has a right to be happy, just as I have a right to be sad.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Received a call from my doctors office today. I am STILL testing positive- my beta (hCG) is at 85. For Christ Sake this is not over!!! Its been ten days!
I asked about the bleeding and cramping and the nurse said it can go on for another week or two- great.
She stated my hematocrit and hemoglobin was perfect- so they are not concerned that I am losing too much blood. So, physically I just have to wait it out, my body is doing "its job."
Mentally and emotionally I just want this over with. I have pretty much had it with the bleeding. I want these forsaken hormones OUT of my body- if they are not there to support a baby, then get the $#@* out! I want to stop feeling like a basket-case. And, probably most importantly, I want to stop having a reminder of this horrible loss every time I step foot into the bathroom.
After getting to Fred's sisters and saying hello to everyone, and trading birthday gifts with his mother and sisters (we all have birthdays within a one month span) I was starting to feel a bit more at ease. I had a horrible night before Thanksgiving and was in a very dark place...
Then, Fred's niece comes bouncing in ecstatic - she and her husband are pregnant with their second child! She is six weeks along and due...exactly when I would have been...awesome. Now, of course she doesn't know what I am going through and couldn't possibly have imagined her good news would send a dagger right through my heart. If she had known, I am positive she would have been a bit more discrete. And I am happy for her. I care about and love her and her family and want her happy. It is just that the timing (at least for us) couldn't have been worse.
I fought back tears and offered my congratulations- I don't want to diminish her happiness with my pain. That is selfish and I refuse to be selfish. She has a right to be happy, just as I have a right to be sad.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Received a call from my doctors office today. I am STILL testing positive- my beta (hCG) is at 85. For Christ Sake this is not over!!! Its been ten days!
I asked about the bleeding and cramping and the nurse said it can go on for another week or two- great.
She stated my hematocrit and hemoglobin was perfect- so they are not concerned that I am losing too much blood. So, physically I just have to wait it out, my body is doing "its job."
Mentally and emotionally I just want this over with. I have pretty much had it with the bleeding. I want these forsaken hormones OUT of my body- if they are not there to support a baby, then get the $#@* out! I want to stop feeling like a basket-case. And, probably most importantly, I want to stop having a reminder of this horrible loss every time I step foot into the bathroom.
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