November 26th 2010

Although this Thanksgiving there were things to be thankful for I found myself holding back tears while eating my turkey.

After getting to Fred's sisters and saying hello to everyone, and trading birthday gifts with his mother and sisters (we all have birthdays within a one month span) I was starting to feel a bit more at ease. I had a horrible night before Thanksgiving and was in a very dark place...

Then, Fred's niece comes bouncing in ecstatic - she and her husband are pregnant with their second child! She is six weeks along and due...exactly when I would have been...awesome. Now, of course she doesn't know what I am going through and couldn't possibly have imagined her good news would send a dagger right through my heart. If she had known, I am positive she would have been a bit more discrete. And I am happy for her. I care about and love her and her family and want her happy. It is just that the timing (at least for us) couldn't have been worse.

I fought back tears and offered my congratulations- I don't want to diminish her happiness with my pain. That is selfish and I refuse to be selfish. She has a right to be happy, just as I have a right to be sad.
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Received a call from my doctors office today. I am STILL testing positive- my beta (hCG) is at 85. For Christ Sake this is not over!!! Its been ten days!

I asked about the bleeding and cramping and the nurse said it can go on for another week or two- great.

She stated my hematocrit and hemoglobin was perfect- so they are not concerned that I am losing too much blood. So, physically I just have to wait it out, my body is doing "its job."

Mentally and emotionally I just want this over with. I have pretty much had it with the bleeding. I want these forsaken hormones OUT of my body- if they are not there to support a baby, then get the $#@* out! I want to stop feeling like a basket-case. And, probably most importantly, I want to stop having a reminder of this horrible loss every time I step foot into the bathroom.