January 27th 2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Things have been much the same as they were in December. I'm still somewhat stressed- work has been very busy and no matter how much Fred and I try not to be, we still seem to be so busy all of the time at home too!

The hardest part of my mourning for my father has seemed to pass. I didn't quite realize what a depression I had fallen into until I felt the fog lift. Some time this month I just realized I was happier, calmer and the whole day would pass without me thinking of my father or the day I learned of his death flashing through my mind in one vivid horrific image or another. Don't get me wrong- I still thought (and think) of him often. When I pass his photo in our home I still whisper, "I love you" or "I miss you." But I seem to be adjusting to my life without him finally, after four very hard months.

My body, true to form, has decided that along with our new "venture" it would get a mind of its own and change course. My body has decided that although it has gone 18 years in a fairly consistent, predictable pattern- now (just to screw with me I think) it has decided to change course. So, what used to be predictable, and I mean like clock-work, is now unpredictable, varied and extremely frustrating. You ladies know what I mean!

The doctors told us after the mis-carriage we need to wait two natural cycles before we begin "trying" again. Well my cycles are no longer 28-32 days (like I've said before folks, if you can't handle the details, please leave this blog....) and are now WAY farther apart.

Great.

So, we decided to say "whatever!" We waiting one natural cycle and then decided to just let things happen more naturally. I'm still charting but we're just taking it easy, doing what we want when we feel like it and stop putting so much pressure on everything.

Don't get me wrong, I still would really like to get the show on the road. These shots are no picnic and the longer I am on them the worse it will be for my health in later life. And also, odd as it is to say it- it seems everyone is pregnant or having a baby around me...

And to be honest, my little clock is tick-tick-ticking! I know, barf right? And I swore I wasn't "that woman!" But seriously I don't think I've ever wanted something so much in my life. Its like this is what I am ready for and I know it. And trust me I find it very odd. I've always been the one "without a biological clock." I mean I've always loved children and babies but I've always thought pregnancy and certainly labor sound horrific and disgusting!

Well, I don't know how to explain it, but some time in the past year- and maybe since watching my aunt give birth- my thoughts have changed.

I don't believe there is a baby coming this month...who knows, maybe next month...just in time to be the ninth family member born in November? Just to be a Scorpio child to drive me nuts and be as stubborn and intense as its Mother?

Well, with the way my life has gone, I wouldn't be one bit surprised.