February 23, 2011

TWO LINES!!! We have a go!

So, I don't need to get into what that meant. But what I will say is that it was extremely, extremely emotional and scary. We're starting down that road again. The road to potential joy and success or the road to heartbreak. Its a coin toss...as any pregnancy is...

Since I'm past most of the grief from my miscarriage, I did decide to have a talk with my niece- we'll call her niece #1 (whom I just found out is pregnant with her second child and due in October) about my situation. She had a lot of difficulty conceiving her first child and she watched two of her sisters getting pregnant with ease during this time (one of whom is the niece who got pregnant the same time as me in October- we'll call her niece #2). Although niece #1's situation was different, we were able to share and bond. It was nice. It was nice not to feel so alone in the struggle. She had to endure once a day fertility shots and the constant body and temperature monitoring, so she knows the routine and can not only sympathize but empathize.

What I was not prepared for is the pictures I saw on Facebook this morning. Niece #2's ultrasound pictures...her baby is perfect and healthy and bigger than I thought it would be at this time. Although niece #2 is not finding out the sex of her baby, apparently we would have been finding out this week or next if we were having a baby boy or a little girl. My heart ached.

Now, we're back to the waiting game- we'll see if this month holds any promise. Either way I'm trying to be optimistic. And while I will love my great- niece or nephew dearly, the truth remains they will be a reminder of what would have been. But maybe that can be a beautiful thing. Maybe, if at least in our minds, we can see this baby grow and change and realize everything happens for a reason. Maybe we were meant to loss our first baby so that we can truly and hopelessly love and appreciate our future baby. Here's to hopeless optimism!