June 10 2011

After a few days of reflection, reading, and a fair share of pain (emotionally and physically) I've found out that two miscarriages back-to-back is really very common. Not that it makes anything about them easier...but at least I'm more informed than I was.

Many pregnancies are complicated by blood clots. Women with clotting disorders alone have a 38% chance of miscarriage ("normal" women have about a 20% chance). Additionally, women with autoimmune disorders are at a greater risk of miscarriage...I have both and when you do the math...this is not all that shocking that this happened again considering my conditions.

Granted my conditions are under control and all of my levels in this pregnancy were great. In fact after a heartbeat is detected the chances of miscarriage drop to 5-10%...and in this case I fell in that 5-10%.

While knowledge is power and I'm beginning to understand that as horrible as this is, it is not rare by any means. It still doesn't mean that tiny baby whose heart I watched beating only 4 days ago does not flash into my mind every hour. I think about what went wrong and I also think about when and where I'll be with this pregnancy finally passes. I'm not worried about the pain, but I am worried I will be in the car, or at work, or somewhere terrible when it finally happens. My doctors seems certain I do not need a D&C but until my beta levels are back down to normal I will be worried.

We are devastated but at the same time I have a certain calm about me that I didn't have during the first loss. A part of me feels angry and frustrated and depressed and another part of me realizes it just wasn't meant to be. This pregnancy has taught me to let go, stop trying to control everything and most importantly not to get so caught up in planning the future and looking too far ahead.

What is also helping me is the support of family and friends but most of all my husband. I have the perfect mate for me, and not many people can honestly say that. He is loving, caring, compassionate, hard-working, self-sacrificing and simply amazing. He adores me, he takes care of me and I say without one ounce of hesitation that I would rather be childless with him than have children without him. He is my world and my love and my best friend.

As sickening as this may sound it is all so very true. We have something amazing and special and if the rest of our lives are a struggle, at least we'll struggle together....because a horrible day with him is better than the best day without him.

I still cry every day and I assume I will for awhile. I hold the onsies we bought and think about the tiny baby they were meant for. I wonder if it was really a boy or a little girl? I wonder if it had my eyes and Fred's smile. I wonder if it suffered, eventhough I know that's not really possible. But mostly I think about holding that tiny baby in my hands and whispering "I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you. But please know I loved you, I loved you with all of my heart."