July 12th 2011

It has been a difficult week.

Our angel baby (first pregnancy) would have been born right around this time.

Its hard to have miscarriage dates to remember in place of birthdays...but none-the-less I can't forget.

My niece just went into the hospital this morning to have her baby. I am struck with conflicting joy for the arrival of my new great niece or nephew and sorrow for the baby I won't be having.

Other than some heartache, life has actually been pretty good lately. I've taken some important steps with my health - losing 7 pounds and dropping my cholesterol 40 points. I feel better physically and that makes the emotional stuff a little easier.

I got my last blood test results back this morning- and after a month I am finally officially over the miscarriage and testing "negative" once again.

Some people have asked what the doctors say? Or what is the next step? Or why does this keep happening? My only answer to them is "we don't know" and we may find out one day or we may not ever know.

Its a funny thing, the big lesson this second loss has taught me is not to plan too far ahead in the future or try to hypothesize myself crazy about WHY things happen. Sometimes things just are what they are. And the planning- control freak in people let answers like that drive them crazy....for nothing. And I'm not going to drive myself crazy with the planning and the what-ifs anymore...its just not worth it. Right now I'm taking care of my health and my marriage and everything else comes second.I'm trying my hardest to live life in the moment. And when it comes time to take the next step, or to decide we are pursuing a different course, we will deal with it then.