June 5th 2011

After the struggles with my father, my health battles, his death and my miscarriage last fall I am used to life throwing curve balls and I realize a few hours can change your life forever. Although, somehow when tragedy strikes its still unexpected. Maybe its optimism or maybe its the saying that "people get what they deserve." Well, when you reach the point where you've had so many loses in your life and so much heartache- you realize the truth. There is no "what people deserve" and there is no "supposed to" - life is a series of events without rhyme and without reason. People like to say "things happen for a reason" but it is no coincidence that when people say that they are either explaining something wonderful that has happened or trying to reason through something horrible that has happened. No person really knows what tomorrow holds and that's the truth of it.

Maybe this is where prayer comes in and faith. Trusting that no matter what tomorrow brings it is part of a larger plan, part of something bigger than yourself. I wish I had an easier time believing that.

Because right now I can't seem to feel or believe anything anymore...I'm completely numb.

Friday I had just got done texting a friend about how well my pregnancy was going. I was feeling good for the most part- aside from being tired and having to continue the lovenox shots I was fine. Then, almost as soon as I sent the text things started to go wrong. Now, two days later, with things progressing, the doctors seem fairly certain I am having a miscarriage.........again.

We are going into the office in the morning for an ultrasound to confirm what I already believe will be true...we're losing another baby. And this time there was time to be excited, there was time to daydream and tell our friends and family. There were clothes that we bought because we had hope, this time we had so much hope. This time it will not be a mysterious series of numbers dropping but the absence of that beautiful heartbeat. The absence of life...

The doctor tells me that once a strong heartbeat is detected there is a less than 5% chance of miscarriage. Well, those numbers mean nothing to a girl with four extremely rare genetic conditions. Those numbers mean nothing to the girl whose father cheated death a dozen times while she stood at his bedside.

There are no statistics that make sense. There is no "supposed to." There just is what is...and the awful waiting for what is to be confirmed. I know in my heart it will not be good news but a small part of me keeps seeing that heartbeat in the back of my mind...and a small part of my mind keeps whispering "don't count me out yet."

Is that voice the voice of my baby...or is it my own voice....I cannot tell.