Well true to my intentions I am much less anxious and worried this month. I am also fairly certain I am not pregnant. No steady temperature increase or any other signs of pregnancy. Although as Fred said it best, "I'm not even guessing anymore, last month you had a ton of signs and nada...this month no signs so you probably are!" LOL!
It's ok though. I'm happy and a lot is going right in my life right now so its hard to be upset. We are almost completely out of credit card debt. Work is going wonderfully and I am getting so much positive feedback. I feel good about myself and lately I have felt..as silly as it sounds...pretty for the first time in awhile. Maybe its the coming of spring or the extra sunlight we've been getting. I don't know. Something inside me is just calmer...when I'm ready to be a mother I will be. We know from our miscarriage experience that everything is working right and pregnancy is possible, so in that regard we are relived. And until the day comes where we get another positive test I'm just going to enjoy being well...just us two.
Lincoln
March 21st 2011
I am beginning to realize that I need to let go. I've said this before and last month I thought I had let go...I hadn't. All I can do is continue to chart and we can make sure we hit our optimum timing (which we have been...and yes I KNOW we have been) and whatever happens from there is out of our hands.
I can honestly say I haven't thought that much about being pregnant this month. I don't know if the arrival of Spring has me distracted, or simply has me giddy at the warmer temps, but either way I just feel good. I'm trying to relish in all the things that I have right now (that I may not have when pregnancy and baby come- if they ever do). Free time. Alone time. Romantic time with my hubby. A cosmopolitan. A flat (well relatively flat) stomach. Feet that are NOT swollen...etc.
I'm resolving to go about my life like I always have been (by now the charting and shots are so much a part of my daily routine I hardly notice anymore...) and whatever happens and whenever it happens will be.
And who knows maybe this month will bring some good news. Or maybe it won't. Either way I just want to be happy and not worry about it. Some things in life are not meant to be controlled or planned- some things are just meant to happen when they happen. My body is finally back to its normal cycle after the miscarriage- it took 4 cycles actually, not 2...and hormonally I am back on track. I know that I am ovulating...so I know I have nothing to worry about...I just have to let it be. I'm healthy and that is the most important thing- for me, hubby and any future baby.
I hope I can continue to think and feel this way.
I can honestly say I haven't thought that much about being pregnant this month. I don't know if the arrival of Spring has me distracted, or simply has me giddy at the warmer temps, but either way I just feel good. I'm trying to relish in all the things that I have right now (that I may not have when pregnancy and baby come- if they ever do). Free time. Alone time. Romantic time with my hubby. A cosmopolitan. A flat (well relatively flat) stomach. Feet that are NOT swollen...etc.
I'm resolving to go about my life like I always have been (by now the charting and shots are so much a part of my daily routine I hardly notice anymore...) and whatever happens and whenever it happens will be.
And who knows maybe this month will bring some good news. Or maybe it won't. Either way I just want to be happy and not worry about it. Some things in life are not meant to be controlled or planned- some things are just meant to happen when they happen. My body is finally back to its normal cycle after the miscarriage- it took 4 cycles actually, not 2...and hormonally I am back on track. I know that I am ovulating...so I know I have nothing to worry about...I just have to let it be. I'm healthy and that is the most important thing- for me, hubby and any future baby.
I hope I can continue to think and feel this way.
March 5th 2011
I'm not pregnant.
I'm not happy.
I'm so sick of the rollarcoaster.
I have nothing more to say.
I'm not happy.
I'm so sick of the rollarcoaster.
I have nothing more to say.
February 25, 2011
If I'm not pregnant I will be very, very surprised- let's just put it that way...
Signs:
1) High basal body temperatures: higher than ever before (other than during my last pregnancy), for three days in a row.
2) Breast changes: (we'll leave it at that!)
3) Morning nausea: not vomiting and the nausea is manageable, but defiantly noticeable for the first three hours after I awake.
4) Changes to my eating habits: I have been so hungry but when I eat I fill up very, very quickly and can only consume about half the quantity I usually do. However, I am again hungry in about three or four hours. And I'm talking stomach actually growling, I will kill someone if I don't eat kind of hungry! Yet, according to the scale, my weight has stayed the same.
5) Mild cramping: Mild cramping and a feeling of "fullness" although this is something that happens prior to my period as well- so not sure if it is an actual sign.
So, I guess we'll wait and see. From my calculations we should be able to see a positive pregnancy test around March 6th if I am pregnant- eight days from now.
I am excited and very, very nervous. I don't want to be let down again, but more importantly, I don't want to loss another baby.
Signs:
1) High basal body temperatures: higher than ever before (other than during my last pregnancy), for three days in a row.
2) Breast changes: (we'll leave it at that!)
3) Morning nausea: not vomiting and the nausea is manageable, but defiantly noticeable for the first three hours after I awake.
4) Changes to my eating habits: I have been so hungry but when I eat I fill up very, very quickly and can only consume about half the quantity I usually do. However, I am again hungry in about three or four hours. And I'm talking stomach actually growling, I will kill someone if I don't eat kind of hungry! Yet, according to the scale, my weight has stayed the same.
5) Mild cramping: Mild cramping and a feeling of "fullness" although this is something that happens prior to my period as well- so not sure if it is an actual sign.
So, I guess we'll wait and see. From my calculations we should be able to see a positive pregnancy test around March 6th if I am pregnant- eight days from now.
I am excited and very, very nervous. I don't want to be let down again, but more importantly, I don't want to loss another baby.
February 23, 2011
TWO LINES!!! We have a go!
So, I don't need to get into what that meant. But what I will say is that it was extremely, extremely emotional and scary. We're starting down that road again. The road to potential joy and success or the road to heartbreak. Its a coin toss...as any pregnancy is...
Since I'm past most of the grief from my miscarriage, I did decide to have a talk with my niece- we'll call her niece #1 (whom I just found out is pregnant with her second child and due in October) about my situation. She had a lot of difficulty conceiving her first child and she watched two of her sisters getting pregnant with ease during this time (one of whom is the niece who got pregnant the same time as me in October- we'll call her niece #2). Although niece #1's situation was different, we were able to share and bond. It was nice. It was nice not to feel so alone in the struggle. She had to endure once a day fertility shots and the constant body and temperature monitoring, so she knows the routine and can not only sympathize but empathize.
What I was not prepared for is the pictures I saw on Facebook this morning. Niece #2's ultrasound pictures...her baby is perfect and healthy and bigger than I thought it would be at this time. Although niece #2 is not finding out the sex of her baby, apparently we would have been finding out this week or next if we were having a baby boy or a little girl. My heart ached.
Now, we're back to the waiting game- we'll see if this month holds any promise. Either way I'm trying to be optimistic. And while I will love my great- niece or nephew dearly, the truth remains they will be a reminder of what would have been. But maybe that can be a beautiful thing. Maybe, if at least in our minds, we can see this baby grow and change and realize everything happens for a reason. Maybe we were meant to loss our first baby so that we can truly and hopelessly love and appreciate our future baby. Here's to hopeless optimism!
So, I don't need to get into what that meant. But what I will say is that it was extremely, extremely emotional and scary. We're starting down that road again. The road to potential joy and success or the road to heartbreak. Its a coin toss...as any pregnancy is...
Since I'm past most of the grief from my miscarriage, I did decide to have a talk with my niece- we'll call her niece #1 (whom I just found out is pregnant with her second child and due in October) about my situation. She had a lot of difficulty conceiving her first child and she watched two of her sisters getting pregnant with ease during this time (one of whom is the niece who got pregnant the same time as me in October- we'll call her niece #2). Although niece #1's situation was different, we were able to share and bond. It was nice. It was nice not to feel so alone in the struggle. She had to endure once a day fertility shots and the constant body and temperature monitoring, so she knows the routine and can not only sympathize but empathize.
What I was not prepared for is the pictures I saw on Facebook this morning. Niece #2's ultrasound pictures...her baby is perfect and healthy and bigger than I thought it would be at this time. Although niece #2 is not finding out the sex of her baby, apparently we would have been finding out this week or next if we were having a baby boy or a little girl. My heart ached.
Now, we're back to the waiting game- we'll see if this month holds any promise. Either way I'm trying to be optimistic. And while I will love my great- niece or nephew dearly, the truth remains they will be a reminder of what would have been. But maybe that can be a beautiful thing. Maybe, if at least in our minds, we can see this baby grow and change and realize everything happens for a reason. Maybe we were meant to loss our first baby so that we can truly and hopelessly love and appreciate our future baby. Here's to hopeless optimism!
February 17, 2011
I'm scared that I won't become pregnant this month. And I'm scared that I will. I feel like I'm going through this private struggle every month that goes by- and I feel like I'm doing it all alone. Yeah, yeah- I have friends and family and my husband to talk to- and they've been supportive. But, I still feel alone in some ways. Its me that has the 15 minute ritual each and every morning and its me that is most excited and then devastated when things don't go the way I wanted or wished they would.
Right about now all I wish is that we were one of those lucky couples that can just "stop preventing" and let nature take its course. One of those lucky couples that doesn't have to worry about working around all the bruises I have from needle sticks and temperature changes and everything else.
You know I sit and I think about the couples where it all comes so easily for them. I wonder if they really appreciate the ability they have to start a family in such a non-stressful way? I also wonder about the women who say they don't want kids. What if one day, you do? Are you sacrificing the ability to be one of "those" couples to one day have to be a couple like us?
And I say the following with no judgment, just an observation. My generation has focused more on getting an education and a career and a stable home life before having children, which I think is wonderful! But it is slightly ironic and somewhat cruel that doing those very things often takes women past the point of optimum fertility. And, even more cruel, studies show that couples who wait until their late twenties/early thirties to have children are actually better parents! Yet, they have the most difficulty getting pregnant...
Right about now all I wish is that we were one of those lucky couples that can just "stop preventing" and let nature take its course. One of those lucky couples that doesn't have to worry about working around all the bruises I have from needle sticks and temperature changes and everything else.
You know I sit and I think about the couples where it all comes so easily for them. I wonder if they really appreciate the ability they have to start a family in such a non-stressful way? I also wonder about the women who say they don't want kids. What if one day, you do? Are you sacrificing the ability to be one of "those" couples to one day have to be a couple like us?
And I say the following with no judgment, just an observation. My generation has focused more on getting an education and a career and a stable home life before having children, which I think is wonderful! But it is slightly ironic and somewhat cruel that doing those very things often takes women past the point of optimum fertility. And, even more cruel, studies show that couples who wait until their late twenties/early thirties to have children are actually better parents! Yet, they have the most difficulty getting pregnant...
February 6, 2011
6 months and counting. I'm in a better mood than my last post and I've realized one thing. If it seems like my posts are written by two different people...they have been. Hormonal me and regular me.
It seems this miscarriage has thrown my hormones for quite a little tail-spin. I am having PMS that rivals ANYTHING I've every experienced before...and it last about 12 freakin' days every month!
My poor husband.
I feel like this alien takes over my body and makes me hate everyone and everything I come into contact with. It doesn't matter what anybody says or does, its all an evil plot to make me feel more horrible than I already do.
Once the cloud lifts I look back at myself like, "What a crazy $!&*#!"
Dear Sweet Sweet Lord- do not let me be a basket case if/when I get pregnant. I really don't like being that way...and I'd really like to stay married and not tell all my friends and family to go to hell, they really don't deserve it...amen.
It seems this miscarriage has thrown my hormones for quite a little tail-spin. I am having PMS that rivals ANYTHING I've every experienced before...and it last about 12 freakin' days every month!
My poor husband.
I feel like this alien takes over my body and makes me hate everyone and everything I come into contact with. It doesn't matter what anybody says or does, its all an evil plot to make me feel more horrible than I already do.
Once the cloud lifts I look back at myself like, "What a crazy $!&*#!"
Dear Sweet Sweet Lord- do not let me be a basket case if/when I get pregnant. I really don't like being that way...and I'd really like to stay married and not tell all my friends and family to go to hell, they really don't deserve it...amen.
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