May 18 2011

Today I am 5w5d (5 weeks, 5 days) and we had the most amazing doctors appointment!

Earlier in the week the nurses prepared me that this appointment was likely to be "uneventful." They stated that we would likely not see a heartbeat and that the appointment was just to "verify" things and date the pregnancy...it was too early to see a heartbeat...

Well.......

WE SAW A HEARTBEAT!!!!
A VERY, VERY STRONG HEARTBEAT!!!

I almost leaped off the exam table!

See that tiny black circle in the middle of the picutre

Now, see that tiny white bean inside the black circle

That's baby L, and he/she was beating like crazy!

I couldn't believe it- it was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. Knowing that inside of me a tiny heart was beating and that my body was in the process of creating another human life.
I know, sappy stuff, but really it was truly amazing to see it in front of you!

I think I am also so giddy because aside from being a bit more tired than usual, and having some mild cramping and pulling in my lower abdomen- I feel pretty good and pretty normal.
People are irritating me a bit more than usual and by the end of the day when I get home from work I am pretty much toast...but I don't feel horrible or sick...or anything all that bad really.

Also, that tiny heartbeat made his/her daddy eat his words- which was hilarious.

Fred during the external ultrasound "I see a whole lot of nothin'!"
Me, "Just wait, you'll see something soon enough..."
Me during the internal ultrasound "Ya see something now don't ya!?!?"
Fred (grinning) "Yup, I sure do!"

It was really cool.

The appointment continued with a lot of poking and prodding...fun stuff. Apparently, in addition to an internal ultrasound I would also get a physical and a pap...nothing like getting to know a whole bunch of the office staff real up close and personal!

But, when the doctor said "everything looks great" it was well worth it.

I do have one small issue with my clotting factors (of course). The pregnancy has shot my already low protein s level even lower- dangerously low actually. So, lucky me, I get to up my dose of Lovenox and for the next week (until the new shipment of meds arrive) I get to poke myself four times a day instead of two! Super Awesome I know!

But, I knew what I signed up for when we started...especially after being with my aunt, I knew the drill. Honestly, that tiny heartbeat though, I think I'd go through anything to be sure it stays safe, sound and healthy.

May 14th 2011

We've probably let the cat out of the bag a little more than we should have. But honestly after 8 months of going through what we've gone through (and yes I realize 8 months is not really THAT long compared to some other couples). However, I also realize that in that 8 months my father has died, I've lost a pregnancy AND twice daily I am injecting myself with a concoction that feels like nothing short of a bee-sting every single time....so we've had a rough 8 months...and we are ecstatic!!!

I am having a hard time not screaming from the roof-tops!!! I'm pregnant! I feel good! and I'm happy!!!!

We have our first ultra-sound in 4 days. Depending on those results we will tell the rest of our families and friends.

I think I'll probably wait until the 13 week mark to put it on Facebook though. I only hope our friends and families will be wise enough to know not to put anything on Facebook lol!!!

May 11th 2011

Good News!!!

My repeat beta is at 240 and "perfect" according to the OBGYN nurse! Huge sigh of relief! I should expect a call today about when to expect my first prenatal appointment!!! So excited!

I am still very, very, very early, barely 5 weeks...but things are going in a much better direction than they did last time. And for some reason I just feel like everything is going to be ok this time...

Zero weeks and trying!

versus

Four weeks along and very bloated!

WEEK 4:
Pregnancy symptoms: VERY tender breasts, mild cramping, food aversions, I'm a bit more emotional, more frequent urination and sometimes I have sudden bouts of tiredness- but honestly my symptoms are not too bad. I feel good for the most part...just like mild PMS. Its really not too bad..at least so far!
How far along?: 4 weeks
How big is baby?: The size of a sesame seed!
Weight gain/loss?: No gain, no loss - but plenty of bloat!
Stretch marks?: None... from pregnancy anyway lol!
Maternity clothes?: Uh, no- I think that will be awhile...
Sleep?: Waking up about two-three times a night to pee... so not as good as it was pre-preg
Food cravings?: Some food just tastes awful, my appetite is noticeably less than it was pre-preg...probably a good thing.
Gender?: No idea yet...although for some reason I think it may be a boy...
Movement?: Nope. Some mild cramping on and off throughout the day but nothing major.
Belly button?: Still there of course!
What are you looking forward to this week?: Breaking through to 5 weeks and scheduling our first prenatal appointment!

Notables: Just very happy, excited, nervous- all at once! I feel like a butterfly is in my stomach. But I also feel a calm like everything is going to be ok too.

May 7th 2011

POSITIVE!!! POSITIVE!!! POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!!!!

If it was negative on Wednesday when my beta was at a 7...and now it is positive...it can only mean...the numbers are going UP!!!!

Fred and I can't stop smiling. Although we are still a bit apprehensive.

The repeat beta in three days will tell us the most important thing, if the pregnancy is looking viable. And I am still having some scary cramping similar to when I miscarried before (this actually has us a LOT worried...).

BUT, the cramps are not constant- they've been decreasing every day. And most importantly they have not been accompanied by bleeding...the biggest "uh, oh" sign.

We're optimistic that this is it!! Cautiously optimistic. We have agreed that for now, and until the beta keeps rising (as we are hoping it will) we are only going to tell my mother.

I can't believe this is actually happening...the night before Mother's Day I'm finding out I may just be a Mother soon!!! I'm on cloud nine. And even if this ends sadly, I'm going to take the feeling I have now and cherish it. A miracle has happened again and I have to have faith that this time it is meant to be.

May 6th 2011

What a difference a week can make. So, today I am officially 6 days late for my period. I tested negative on two home tests two days ago but had a very low positive on the hCG blood test.

The nurse fears it is a chemical pregnancy, as the numbers are too low for what would be expected at 4 weeks pregnant. However, when I look the numbers up online it says that it is perfectly normal to have very low beta numbers at 3-4 weeks pregnant in some women. Part of me wants to be excited but the other part of me remembers the nurses warning "it is very unlikely you are experiencing a viable pregnancy..."

Please don't tell me I am going to miscarry...again...

All I can do is wait and repeat the beta in a week, the nurse instructed. And if in the mean time my period comes then I don't need to bother.

I can't be excited. I can't be disappointed.

I have to just wait and see what happens.

April 22, 2011

For Christ Sakes!!! I swear I thought I was broken...and I also swear my body is literally trying to drive me to the nut house!

So, for the three months my ovulation has been predictable- day 17 of my cycle, next month- day 17, next month...day 17! Ok, now I got it down! My temperature long ago quit being an accurate indicator- it is slowly coming back to normal but it is just not what it was before the miscarriage...

So this month- the 17th day of my cycle rolls around- negative ovulation kit, 18th- negative again (huh?), 19th-negative (what the heck?), 20th-negative (are you f*cking kidding me!?!?)

At this point I'm in a panic- ok I was panicking by day 18th but whose counting? I'm thinking, not only do I have to do these shots twice a day and not only has this miscarriage obliterated any predictability in my cycle...but don't tell me I am now NOT OVULATING!!! That optimism went right out the window with that though!

Then, like the relief of A/C on a 90 degree July day- the ovulation kit came back positive on day 22.

WHAT A RELIEF!!!

All this tells me is that my body is not as predictable as I thought and I need to watch the "signs" a bit more closely than I have been...I need to expect the unexpected...when all we're really trying to do is get to the "expecting" part!

April 11, 2011

Yep. Not pregnant. Not surprised.

Enjoying being just us two...but as the news of more and more "mom and dad's to be" pile in...I'm getting a little irritated. I'm not horribly depressed or sad like I was...but lately I have having some pretty bad reactions and injection-site pain from the Lovenox shots.

It just kinda sucks- I'm black and blue all over and in a lot of pain.

But, patience is a virtue and I'm working on it. Boy am I working on it....but its not easy.