May 29th 2011

Who to tell and when?

Yesterday was a hard day. First a friend of ours unintentionally (although we could argue the true differences between unintentional and just being a little dense about things...) let the cat out of the bag to another friend. And a few more people, that we intended to tell at a later date, "somehow" found out about the pregnancy. And to be honest I was a little pissed.

I know deep down the main reason people blab is because they are happy for use and everyone has this deep desire to share happy or shocking news most of the time. Especially women- they like to gossip. And even women that pride themselves on not gossiping seem to have a hard time keeping the baby news under-wraps.

However, in these instances I feel the particular blabbing could have been avoided. Part of me was pissed, the other part of me was hurt and the other part of me questioned whether we've just told so many people - should we now just let everyone (sans many people at my work) know? I am still only 7w2d - very early by any standards and while things are going wonderfully so far...I'm still a little apprehensive.

I also feel though that mis-carriage is treated like some secret shame and people don't talk about it as openly and freely as maybe they'd like to. It is such a common, common occurrence that maybe actually being open about it would reduce some of the shame...and at the very least make many women feel they are not alone in the struggle and the heartache.

My sister-in-law experienced 6 mis-carriages in 6 years and was never able to carry a baby past the first trimester. My grandmother, aunt, friend and four co-workers have all experienced mis-carriage. Many of them have children by now, and one does not. In fact it is estimated that many women experience at least one or two mis-carriages in their lifetimes and were never aware they were even pregnant.

As yesterday wore on I struggled with these thoughts in my head. I called my mom and we talked, I broke down crying like a baby because I'm just so frightened. I'm scared I'll develop a blood clot, I'm scared I'll mis-carry again, I'm scared the baby will have something wrong with him/her, I'm scared I'll freeze like an idiot and not know how to take care of the baby. I'm scared this will drastically interfere with work and my marriage. But, mainly I'm just scared because I am so deeply invested in this pregnancy and I want more than anything to see it through. And Fred feels the same way.

Maybe we'll send an e-mail out next weekend once I've hit the 8 week mark...we're still undecided...I have another appointment June 8th...maybe we'll wait until then....I just don't know right now and honestly I don't really want to think about it any more for now.